Sunday, December 29, 2013

broken record IUI no 8

I haven't been able to plant my magic seeds for the last 6 months - and this is unfortunate because in a few weeks I turn 43, and my eggs are getting very stale.

I was held up by a number of factors, moving house, a request on my part for a test for uterine polyps which the doctor miss timed, losing me another cycle, then the need for surgery to remove polyp (turned out to be scar tissue), my inability to wean my daughter, signing up with a new acupuncturist who assured me my pulse was too weak and I could never hold a pregnancy etc.  Then last cycle she was checking me over and had given the all clear to go ahead, when I mentioned something about a pulse in my stomach.

I had always noticed this pulse after implantation in the lower back and navel and assumed it had something to do with being pregnant (I had it all through my pregnancy with Sage).  Turns out she said it was extremely bad and meant my adrenals are totally out of whack.  I was a bit shocked she had never picked this up before, (as my pills and potions lady always goes on about my adrenals being stressed) - How did I never mention it!  So that cycle too was canceled.

After going nearly 3 times a week for two months for acupuncture, - I have (spent a lot of money - but less than IVF with no insurance) and as usual have had a very stressful life.  This last cycle the acupuncturist said I was still not ready.  I was so upset.

Acupuncturist off on holiday and office closed - I was surprised to get a text message from her on christmas day, saying she had changed her mind and if it wasn't too late I should try!  Actually I was a bit pissed off.

I can only assume she consulted her oracle and it told her waiting another month would probably be worse!

So in two months of acupuncture, I have managed to start sleeping much better - through the night sometimes, my geographic tongue has not been better (in the last 3 years) and life has gotten a little easier.  Whether this makes me a baby or not remains to be seen.

When I went in to the clinic the day after my OPK surge, I knew I had already ovulated the night before.  Doc could not find a dominate follicle, so supposed I was correct, and my progesterone was just where it should be - so 15 hours after ovulation I was given IUI number 8!

Prayers please!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Upsetting words

After having sat out my last two cycles (because the acupuncturist said they could not possibly work - and having spent a small fortune on acupuncture), I am finally getting ready to plant the magic seed again! (and of course Sage is still not completely weaned) We are down to just 3 times a day!

My mother is staying with us.  She arrived uninvited for Christmas (I did invite her to come either before christmas - or January), but no, so things are a tad stressful.

I got particularly upset when I related to my mother that the palm reader had told me I would be giving birth before the next year is out and she said "well anyway I don't think it makes any difference to me if you have a boy or a girl, because I most likely won't be here (i.e. alive) anyway."  and continued "don't you think it's really irresponsible for you to have another child when you have absolutely no-one to rely on should you get sick.

Many hours spent crying.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

One thing after the next

 Shortly after my surgery , the au pair having departed I noticed something was up with our extremely lovely nanny.  She didn't seem to want to go home - I wondered is she was lonely, if everything was Ok at home.  The next week she quit, on a tuesday in the middle of the day.  I had asked her not to give juice to Sage and not to buy her gifts (every time they went somewhere).  Nanny said I was being too controlling of recent, and that was that.

As luck would have it, our guardian angel stepped in and somehow I was able to make it thru the week without missing any work.

Three weeks later the new au pair arrived.  I must not be good a choosing - but I guess its  crazy idea to choose anyone over the internet to play with a pre verbal child.  She likes to watch the child - but not play with her, and stated that in her country children are much more advanced because they can "play by themselves."

With over two thousand hours of experience, she also managed to put on the first diaper back to front.  When I handed her Sage saying "needs a diaper change - clothes changed because of paint from messy art and a face wash - None of the above happened.  Apparently the one a three quarter year old said she didn't want any changing and this was accepted!

Sage does not seem happy with her, the au pair assures me the only problem is when I am home.  I do not trust her.

  Better news is that I happened on finding a lady to read my palm.  I said I was worried she would say stuff about my future, that would freak me out - that I would not be able to change. She said the only things that are set, in this life are the children we will have.  I thought I acted like it was no big deal and sat down to have my hand read.

She told me lots of things I know to be true about myself.  Then she asked if Sage was my only child, and said "are you single? how old are you (nearly 43) hmm - because it looks as though by this time next year you will already have - or be heavily pregnant with another baby - most likely a boy."

After that I was so extremely happy - the fact she told me I would move house within a couple of years to a new city - because of a much better job - and meet a man - was almost no big deal!

On the TTC front, Sage is STILL breast feeding - Occasionally we find things such as alligator and camel milk in the refrigerator to encourage less dependence on me - but with all the changes at home it has been hard to wean.  I still find it difficult to sleep properly at night (not because of the feeding but because of insomnia), and my tongue looks awful (geographic tongue).  I am connived that these symptoms both need to improve before I can get pregnant.

I found a new acupuncturist who said my pulse was So awful I could not get pregnant anyway at the moment - so I waited to yet another cycle, and am going three times a week for treatment , to see how much better I can get.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

doubting my decisions

Two weeks ago our long awaited new au pair arrived.  It became apparent within minutes that although she is a lovely girl she has absolutely no interest in children, and no ability to play with Sage.  It took five days for me to let the agency know there was no hope, and a further two weeks to get her gone.  In addition to this she had absolutely no money (to buy tampax, or get our of the house and do anything), The agency refused to give her any, so I found myself paying her for a job she was not able to do.  Sage refused to be left with her even for 5 minutes.  The agency have placed her with a family of three children under 6.

On the night she left I burnt my hand, and was in excruciating pain.  The only adult in the house, in horrendous pain and one handed, I found it impossible to cope.  I had to call out the nanny at 11pm on a sunday, and was only extremely thankful that I have one child instead of two.

Then somehow I managed to come down with a slight cold, I had been warding it off for ages, but then it got me.  Everything was a struggle.  I enjoyed nothing.  I kept thinking "oh no I have all of Sunday to get through by myself, another hour before we can retire to bed".  I realized that I don't think I have really been sick for ages, and when I was I had another adult living in the house.  

In addition, I met up with a friend for lunch.  Some time back she had been asking me what it was like to become a mother.  I just love it of course.  She clearly had reservations about getting pregnant but her husband was pushing her to try.  To cut the story short, we met for sushi.  She seemed a little different.  She told me she was definitely not pregnant, I was not so sure, even though she told me she had taken two tests and got a negative.  She is an ultra smart girl. 

She is of course pregnant on her first try - and in my opinion every time I see her it seems to me she is trying to hold back tears - she is so worried, shocked and - not wanting to be pregnant, but not willing to accept that she has been married to a man for 5 years, and making him wait for something she never really wanted.

I had my polyp removal surgery yesterday.  An uncomplicated procedure, all went smoothly.  I was supposed to have only taken 3 ibuprofen which in my opinion would have been quite adequate.  Instead I was given twilight anesthesia which was fine.  Only problem was as I entered the outpatients facility, they told me total cost for procedure was going to be $20 000, and I have a deductible (thanks to out new insurance) of $6 000.

Also my doc decided to use the one local anesthetic that I told her I don't do well with, even though it was plastered all over my paperwork, and we had discussed it before.

Oh and there were no polyps, just scar tissue (probably from the surgery she did before to remove the other polyp) "And some little white dots, I'm not sure what they are."  So none of this made me feel too good.  I should have had another doc do the surgery.  

I just really don't know how I could handle another child, something about seeing my good friend in tears over finding herself pregnant, may have been catching.  Never thought I could change my mind like this.  Also i guess i realize it means I have to this time wean my daughter - all she talks about is Mama milk - and the thought that I probably won't get pregnant anyway, and if I did i might be so sick I couldn't cope

Monday, August 26, 2013

surgery is awesome news!

Having tried 3 natural IUIs with No success my mother was  insisting that there "must" be something wrong - not with my eggs (age 42.5) or with my hugely elevated FSH (around 17) or my lack of AMH (0.16) but with my uterus.  We did do a few ultrasounds mid cycle which showed nothing - and apparently polyps do not return too frequently!

Before I got pregnant with Sage I had 3 failed IUIs and then we found the uterine polyp - and Sage implanted on the next try.  So my mother insisted I must have another polyp.  At my last check in with Doc uncommunicative I requested a sonohystogram - Uterus filled with water on ultrasound.

Today we found a polyp just as my mother suggested.  Makes me feel so much more hopeful.  The Doc said she would try and fit me in her operating schedule on Wednesday, failing that after my next period.

She also said I could try the surgery without general anesthetic - I assured her that last time I lost my memory for weeks and didn't want to go through that again.  I asked her how much worse it could be than natural child birth?  She thought not - and will only last about 20 minutes.  I do plan to take 3 ibuprofen - and we might try to have an anesthetist on hand that is used to routinely doing  epidural!

Other news, we moved house at the weekend- to a better school district (and I have to get my moneys worth and make sure I get my second child).  The new house is the thing of which many people could only dream.  I woke up and saw three Bambi in the garden.

Two neighbors came over with gifts fitting a movie script.  One of these included 10 different gifts all of which I adored, cheese plate, crackers (gluten free) cheese board of the most gorgeous wood, cheese knives,  honey, honey dish, honey dispenser, gorgeous woven basket,  divine grapes, raspberries, and a gift for my daughter.

Back to unpacking boxes, and trying to get the printer to work!

Friday, August 16, 2013

Dr Uncommunicative changes her tune!

Apparently miracles do happen!  She talked, she listened, she explained, she debated.  After all the efforts I had made to switch to the other clinic in town, I have decided to stay put.

I even learned something new, because I requested that they split my donor vials of sperm so I could do double the amount of "try's" before I run out of Sage's donor.  

Every time I have gone in for my insemination they have given me a sperm count - 27 million, 75 million, etc.   But what they were actually quoting me, was sperm per unit (centiliter ?) - and in a vial there is only half a unit.   The time they told me 20 million was actually only 19 and a half - so I was delivered less than 10 million sperm and would have qualified for a rebate from the sperm bank - because they are supposed to deliver a minimum of 10 million!

So i had to explain the importance of communication.  I then went forth and told her how in this regard I should actually explain that when I got pregnant with Sage - I didn't exactly take the drugs quite how they were prescribed - and gave my reasonings.  She took it great, and with interest.

I explained how I took only 2.5 mg or femara rather than 5,  earlier injections of gonal F (didn't say I had consulted with 3 other RE's), and my reasonings for wishing to take less ovarial next time (I felt it nearly caused my ovaries to hemorrhage.)  I then explained how I believed that the progesterone supplementation had not been good for me - she agreed to test me when / if I get pregnant, and supplement me with some other form of progesterone should I need it.

The whole visit was extraordinary.  I don't know What has happened in her life to make her so different, but I liked it and decided to go with the flow.  We also ended on a very upscale note when she explained to me how important it was that I do stop doing natural cycles because of the percentage  of people she see's with no obvious reason for infertility, and the first time they do a medicated cycle they get pregnant.  She explained how the boosting of the hormones increases  the blood flow, and just makes it happen!

I felt very lucky because so many of my SMC friends get the "oh you are old your eggs aren't going to work" speech.  I know I am 42 - and that I will go to donor egg if my two medicated cycles don't work (still debating an IVF).  But I might as well be positive till I see how it works out.

The the icing on the cake - was that my clinic is very soon going to be partnering with one of the largest donor egg banks in the world - so I won't even have to leave town for a donor egg cycle!

The only thing holding me back at the moment is that I am packing boxes and having a very stressful time moving house.  I could write a whole blog on this alone - but i won't bore you guys with it here.  The only thing it means, is that I am actually quite pleased to be sitting out another cycle, so i can not be quite as stressed.

Had a 36 hours of hell, and then suddenly the world shifted and everything seems like it will be OK.

Monday, July 22, 2013

13 days post IUI - regroup

My mother refuses to believe that I am not pregnant!  I suppose it should make me happy, she still has hope where there is none. (But it just makes me a little concerned about her - she is 82 and not quite herself lately).

I took a pregnancy test with my breast milk - just for fun - and to see another false positive.

I feel strangely accepting of this cycle not working out, and have decided not to doubt physical symptoms I felt, but I am pleased to say, I now have a very pain free period - after all the pains I felt for the last days.  Weird.

Yesterday I had a play date with a very "granola" friend.  She was so funny because she just said point blank.  "Completely wean and take drugs!"  Turns out that's what she had to do after 3 years of marriage - with no discovered infertility problem with either her or her husband,  and their first medicated IUI worked.  She has told no one.  Why are people so secretive about getting fertility help?

I also suddenly realized that I have absolutely no confidence in my doctor (I can't really make sensible decisions about protocol) and so i have decided to switch clinics.  It Turns out the first available new patient appointment at the other clinic is at the end of september.  I will call in every day for a cancellation.  I'm not waiting that long - it would put me doing an IUI in early november!

Finally if I have to do another cycle while I wait to switch clinics - I am worried about running out of vials (I have a good number - but there are absolutely no more when these are done.)  I was reading something on the internet about splitting a vial.  My donor consistently has more than 20 000 swimmers - why could I not use half - It's just I don't trust my doctor to get the right day - and when I got pregnant with Sage ended up using two vials to cover our bases.  I don't have enough to do this again.

I spoke to someone at my bank who said they had never even heard of this (and seemed rather annoyed at me).  Such a pity because every other time I have called, they have really excelled themselves.  One time they even had me talk to the head of their  sperm research.  Too bad I forgot his name!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

11 days post IUI Oh My.....

For some reason after I had explained to my mother how ridiculous it would be to test, I noticed Sage was engrossed in a baby signing time video, and I decided it might be an idea to take one anyway.

I managed to find my last first response test - stuck in with a packet of ovulation predictor tests.
I peed.  I watched the color move across the strip, and there before my eyes two faint pink lines appeared.  I was ecstatic.  I cried, out of relief and happiness, texted a few friends, was about to call my mother to tell her the good news, when instinct told me not to.

Last time this happened I got my period.  I was just thinking about posting on this blog - when it occurred to me there was something slightly different about the test.  I couldn't put my finger on it. Perhaps they had changed something.  Turns out it wasn't a pregnancy test at all - only some give away fertility test measuring FSH.

What an idiot I am - but why would they make the tests nearly identical?  It should say NOT at pregnancy test all over it!  I can't be the first person to make this mistake.

I took a real test after that - and results don't look good!

Friday, July 19, 2013

10 days post IUI

Feeling a little hopeful.  No period in sight, still pains though. No queazy feeling in the last 36 hours.  Sore tits.

My mother just called from UK to say could I "please test immediately" because she simply has to know "right now" so she can make her plans! What the XXXX

I am not testing yet because it wouldn't tell me anything conclusive.  On 9 days post IUI on a previous cycle, I had the very faintest positive only to be followed the next day by a very painful period.

Now is the time I start to barter with god - If you....   I will....

Thursday, July 18, 2013

9 days post iui

In honesty I have no idea any more.

Today I had to attend a meeting outside in the heat, first thing in the morning and I never recovered from the exhaustion and headache.  Also I woke in the night and feeling distinctly queasy, so I got up and made oats.  Last time I did an IUI I felt sick right before I got my period, so feeling sick was probably not a good sign.  Needless to say I have felt period pains all day, and spent the majority of my day seemingly checking my underwear to see if my period has started.

Life is a little cruel this way because on a normal cycle no IUI,  I have next to no period pains at all, certainly not for days on end.  It makes me think something must have happened, but how long for how long I don't know.

Can't believe I didn't waste a pregnancy test today, but I know its way too early - and my period will probably start the moment I try to test!  I have though arranged a busy / social weekend, so I can have some friends around if / when I get my bad news.

On a positive note my tits have become really quite sore when Sage milks me!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

7 & 8 days post IUI

No implantation bleeding! Oh dear.  I did have a few moments of depression about this until I got suddenly really busy, which has kept me well distracted.

For some reason my mother consulted our UK acupuncturist who said that under no circumstances should I fly long distance until I am 8 weeks pregnant.  Not sure why this is and I couldn't find statistical data.  Anyone know why this would be?

So my wonderful mother has decided that if I am pregnant I should not come and visit - and has informed the entire extended family that I am trying to get pregnant and am probably already so - So they should not expect me to visit this summer.  JUST GREAT!

Meanwhile my tits do not hurt or show any signs of doing so.  Sage is enjoying my milk more than ever (she had sort of gone off it for a while), and I just feel like I am very plugged up waiting for a rather painful period!

Oh well.  Time will tell!

Monday, July 15, 2013

5 and 6 days post IUI

I would like to thank Shannon and Abbey both for their comments on my last post!   Shannon undoubtedly has the backing of modern science to suggest that it is physically impossible to feel any sign of pregnancy before 5 days post IUI, however anecdotal evidence might suggest otherwise ?(especially in my case :-)

For example my whole life I have had extremely in or even non sensitive nipples.  At one time I thought there might actually be something wrong with me - so much so that I would inform any boyfriends not to pay attention to my nipples lest they go crazy trying to get some sort of reaction out of me!

Imagine my surprise when on my second IUI (unmedicated cycle - first IUI we were one day too late) I was busy at work when I suddenly was conscious of the sensation that a ghost had walked up to me and was pulling on my tits - so strong as to make them "sizzle".   I placed this at the time conception.  For 3 days I watched and actually photographed my nipples enlarging - to about 7 mm circumference.. Then this symptom gradually disappeared.

In the cycle that I got pregnant with Sage I only felt one tit sizzle on conception!

Now back to my pregnancy symptoms.  Days 5 and 6 have tended to be the time in my cycle where I feel something goes wrong.  On saturday I became extremely depressed thinking that perhaps this cycle might not work, because I could not feel any immediate and comforting pains of pregnancy.

Last night however I began to think perhaps there is still a chance.  When have I ever had pre period like pains starting from just a few days after ovulation?  Not to mention my extreme aching legs, and last night my first extremely vivid dream - and a touch of back ache (hopefully fixed today at chiropractor).

During supper I did feel as though something was sort of pincering into my uterus - not at all strongly though, more of a tickle really.  With Sage I felt her almost drilling into the side of my uterus on day 5 and again on day 7, with a mild implantation bleed for an hour on day 6.

Being an optimist I have decided to wear a panty liner today to be sure to see any bleed should there be one (as I happen to be wearing hot pink underwear).   I know that only about 30% of people experience implantation bleeding, but seeing as I had it with Sage and my mother did with me too - I believe this is a very important symptom.  I was also interested to learn that the earlier the bleed is experienced (closer to day 5 or 6) the higher the chances of a successful pregnancy.

Fingers crossed! Only another 259 days.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

4 days post IUI

Yesterday morning at least - Definitely pregnant!

Having not been able to take a nap in the afternoon the proceeding day I found it very hard to wake up in the morning.  Nanny left the house with Sage and again I wanted to get back into bed.  I decided however I would eat some chocolate mousse first.  The night before I had made two recipies - the first of which I sadly screwed up (because I decided to wildly change the recipe - the second was for my chocolate mouse.  I was dismayed to find I must have screwed this one up too - or were the eggs too old - perhaps I forgot the sugar?  I was about to put all my little pots in the trash, when I decided I would wait and ask Nanny on her return, to see if anything could be salvaged.

I was really feeling quite pathetic with no impetus to do anything at all, save go back to bed, until the phone rang with a very important phone call which jerked me into action.  Suddenly I felt pregnant no longer.  I wondered whether not being under the gun was actually a bad thing, perhaps I was only feeling pregnant because I wasn't busy enough?

Then I remembered a rather depressing article I read which said it is scientifically impossible to feel any signs of pregnancy before implantation has taken place - earliest this could happen 5 days post ovulation.  It made me feel rather stupid taking all the time to write this blog - and an extreme hypochondriac for noting twice the ailments I have recorded here for you guys to read!

Nanny came home and thought the mousse was as good as ever.  Just the same as usual.  I was ecstatic because at about 9 or 10 days post IUI with my pregnancy with Sage, I got back from an out of town visit to find that my Nutella did not taste very good.  I never ate another bite of chocolate the whole pregnancy!

I enjoyed the sate of extreme happiness and excitement over being Definitely Pregnant, for about two hours, before rushing to my acupuncture appointment.  She said the pulse on my left side was good, and on my right weak.  (I ovulated on my left side, and this was the side that supported my pregnancy with Sage - don't know if this means anything).  Anyway it was definitely better than the time two weeks ago when she told me to leave this cycle without IUI because she could/t find one of my (6) pulses at all!

Got home - and can you guess?  Was feeling so much better after the acupuncture - I thought I must be pregnant no longer.  So I had to test - the infallible chocolate mousse pregnancy barometer test!  Oh NO.  It tasted OK - much better than in the morning, but not great.  What does this mean?  NO IDEA.  Perhaps hormones change throughout the day.

Fell into bed at night.  Legs ached 8 out of 10.  I was just beginning to think perhaps I just have achy legs and should go see the doctor, when I concentrated very hard on my pains, and realized they emanated from the left upper side of my uterus, went into the small of my back, and there was that odd pulse again, and down into my feet.   Found myself worrying vaguely that there was a blockage in my fallopian tube.  My grandmother nearly died of such, and then I fell asleep.

Just another 262 days?

Friday, July 12, 2013

3 days post IUI

Definitely still pregnant, although yesterday was a much easier day, despite the fact that I didn't get a nap.   My period like pains were light and dull but a persistent 2 out of 10 the whole day.  (4 yesterday)

Lying down to go to bed I reluctantly realized that the waist band on my pajamas felt tight.  How could that be, and then there was that unusual pulse in the lower abdomen that I only get after IUI.

I was so tired that I slept though the entire night - waking only to make Sage a bottle of goat milk. There is still something up with my (breast) milk.  She took the cream off both tits and then picked up an empty bottle and signed "more bottle" - as opposed to "more mama milk."

Falling asleep last night I realized my legs ached so bad - with the worst pain being in my calfs (at about 7 out of 10).  I looked out my pregnancy pillow - couldn't find it!

I begin to worry because I know day 3 is when, if I were doing IVF, the embryos in the petri dish start to disintegrate.  Typically I think my embryo makes it to about day 4 or 5 and then (I feel) there is no implantation!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

2 days post IUI

I have decided to record every single twinge and tang associated with this cycle, even if it later proves I am nothing but a complete hypochondriac.  It will be good reference for any future cycles, and perhaps it will help me keep my emotions in check should this one not work out.  And the good news is that this blog is completely anonymous so I can be ruthlessly honest.

I feel about as pregnant as can be.  I am certain that it has worked.  My tits are sore - and either there is not the normal milk supply or it tastes funny, because for two out of three feedings yesterday, I got impatient with Sage offered her a bottle, and she seemed delighted!  She is not yet terribly verbal, but it was clear she was also trying to tell me something about wanting the bottle over my milk - and I was not upset about it.  Just pleased that the soreness would stop.  If this carries on she will be weaned very soon.

My mind was a wash yesterday.  As soon as Sage and nanny were safely out of the house I found myself having crept back into bed.  I didn't want to sleep.  My mind felt like goo.  I didn't feel at all sick - just I had no impetus to do anything.  In fairness though it the first day in about 8 months I had the nanny booked and didn't have ton run to work.

Before lunch a last appointment at the dentist - I now have all my teeth again (a partial instead of an  implant) and it was all good news.  After much cajoling, in the afternoon I got Sage to take 3 hour nap with me!

I had to pull myself out of bed at 6pm- for all things - to go on a date.  (Such bad timing I know).
Now I normally have a pretty sensitive nose, so I was thankful that he had taken a shower before picking me up.  However in the theater I could smell the lady's feet sitting three chairs away from me, and behind us the smell of stale sweat mixed with beer.  To add to the situation, my date leaned over to say a few words during the movie, and it became clear to me that he has dental decay in his mouth - which smells vial.  Was I more sensitive to the smell than usual - I have no way of knowing!

I got up (from the rather long movie) and panicked and suddenly thought "I don't feel pregnant any more" only to notice on the way home that I have what feels like very real period pains (like a 4 out of 10), and extreme heaviness in the legs.  As I have taken no drugs, and I did not feel at all this way the night before - I know it has to be a baby in the making.  Though my mind boggles how so soon after conception - possibly not even 30 hours - I could feel so extremely pathetic and pregnant.  I even found myself considering for quite some moments the upsides of Not being pregnant!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

1 day post ovulation (natural cycle)

I have now done a total of 7 IUI's and in every one I have noticed some fairly immediate sign of pregnancy, within a matter of hours.  Namely a certain sizzle of the tits.  Then as the days wore on I have experience other symptoms, until I have woken up one morning and said "all gone" (with the exception of the time with Sage).  I have just known that the baby has not stuck / implanted right.

So I was really surprised yesterday after my IUI to notice absolutely nothing at all!   I kept thinking maybe it was a bad egg and I had just wasted another precious vial of  Sages donor.  But just as I was about to go to bed I decided to do some explorations.  Fingers to examination - and I found the reason.  I still had tons of cervical egg white mucus.  So maybe I had not ovulated right at time of my IUI, even though my progesterone was said to be at 1.19, which has typically been very close to my ovulation point.

I will say that I did notice yesterday an unusual sense of well being, of relaxation and my body feeling sort of smooth and well oiled  - which I could put down to letting go of the worry that always seems to accompany me going to the IUI.  Did I mess up the days? Did I eat to much before the progesterone test which would screw up the results?  Would they schedule my IUI so late in the day that they missed the window etc?  Or could it be the energy of 21 million little swimmers racing round my innards!  Perhaps they give me some sort of nutrient I am missing - or remind me of the left overs of a night of hot sex!

It seems that last night I did not have enough milk, yes I am still breast feeding Sage, now only 3 times a day,  so when she asked for a bottle as well, I was only too happy to give it her.

This morning when she awoke for her morning feed, I am delighted to say that while there was no sizzle of the tit exactly - I can only describe the feeling as that of being milked by little round razor blades.  I got out of bed and my legs felt like lead!  But I feel good

So hopefully I am now 1 day pregnant or perhaps it is just ovulation optimism?  Anyway I must enjoy it whatever it is!  Only 165 more days to go, right?  I am determined to enjoy each day of being pregnant - until I find differently!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Trying for baby no 2, 6th cycle, 3rd IUI

Seed planted!  For some odd reason, perhaps its all the acupuncture I've been doing, I managed to ovulate exactly day 13/14 instead of day 22/23.  In fact I nearly missed the day entirely as I didn't think to POS.  I went running into the RE's office thinking I was too late but they did blood test and an ultrasound and told me today was the day!
Fingers crossed.
I feel nothing so far - except more crampiness and bloating than usual, because I have run out of my donors IUI samples and now have to use the ICI vials - which means an additional $300 for washing - and bigger sample volume.  How naive I was to think that I would be doing this at home all by myself.  At least though I had the foresight to invest in a large number of vials - and know that the Bank will buy any left in they storage back at half price.
Now friends - Prayers please!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The irony of life

I was sitting in the jacuzzi a couple of nights ago, and a very smiley (and extremely large) lady got in beside me - no clothes on.  I tried to look the pother way, but very soon we got talking.  I told her I had to be back home soon to let the sitter go - and that I am trying for baby number 2.  She explained how hard it was as a single mother, I thought I understood until she said that at her house she had 6 kids!

She told me "You know I am 40 years old, and in december I was pregnant again!  but I lost the baby....... - It was such a blessing!  I didn't realize it then, but I do now because I just found I am pregnant again.  I'm always pregnant.   I wouldn't normally sit in a jacuzzi you know, but I don't know how I could cope with another, my baby is only four, and I don't have the money to pay for an abortion."

Life is so weird, I really felt for her situation.  I found myself wondering if I should offer to help her pay for it - then i got totally confused, I don't even approve of it.  But what sort of life would the child have. One person prays to be pregnant while the next prays not to be.  It was a some sort of life test I suppose. But I went home questioning why life is like this.

Monday, June 10, 2013

The quickest way to get pregnant

I have always been a big believer in Sod's Law.  So when I confront my difficulties in getting pregnant I wanted to tackle the issue from all angles - including sod's law.  To this effect I have made quite sure to go out and buy new clothes that I know could not possibly fit me, should I ever become pregnant again.  If I am going to stay thin I might as well enjoy it,  right!  So I went shopping and was just about to buy the most expensive pair of jeans ever - until the sales man said "you look so hot in those - your husband won't be able to keep his hands off you" to which I replied " Husband? - I'll take two."

On the weaning front, we had our first night of screaming.  First ever.  I decided that I would let Sage  fall asleep at the breast but further feeds would have to be from the bottle, as apparently these feeds are the most detrimental to the cycle.  She sounded as though her world had ended and completely refused the bottle, batting it away with her hand and screaming NO.  She finally fell asleep crying. I was determined not to give in and produce my tit, as it is my strong belief that this will only encourage her to learn to be stubborn (and let's face it she wouldn't even accept the perfectly good goats milk she is happy to drink at other times).  I won, but neither of us slept too well.

When I recounted all of this to my mother, suggested that I explain to Sage why I won't let her feed.  To my surprise Sage seemed to understand somewhat, and even came to me with a picture on my iPhone of me with a very pregnant tommy.  The next night there was only a little bit of complaining but when I reminded her "Mama wants a baby so Sage has to help mama and drink from the bottle" We both got back to sleep within a matter of minutes.  Who would have thought that at 17.5 months she could understand something like that, I am so proud of her.

TOO much sharing? I don't know if it was the no feeding during the night - the acupuncture
- but I seem to have the most female mucus EVER,  Such a pity I have decided to leave this cycle fallow - but my ovulation will just be too late in the cycle, day 20.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Oh no, where's my AMH all gone!

I went to my internist to get my thyroid checked because I have lost so much weight.  The results have come back normal - so no answers there.  Perhaps after all I have been eating less because of my teeth situation (two pulled out, finally out of pain after 4 months, but I can still only eat on one side.  Waiting for partial, which keeps getting delayed - they screwed it up last time, and it got lost in the queue for today's dentist visit).

I also plucked up the courage to ask my internist to have my AMH tested.  I just wasn't prepared to get the news before now, so in actual fact I never asked that Dr Uncommunicative test me - and she never suggests anything on her own!

When I got pregnant with Sage I had 0.52.  Since it has been exactly 2 years since I got pregnant - I looked up average loss per year which is supposed to be about 0.1.  I was bracing myself for something low.  What I got is  0.16.

I suppose it's good to know what's what, depressing as it is.  Now I really do have to start weaning.  Not just talking about it - Actually weaning her.  (I can't start taking any drugs until I do).  The problem is that my life has been so extremely stressful recently, and breast feeding her is just the easiest for me.  I also remember when I tried to wean her at 5 weeks (due to mastitis) how extremely depressed I became.

I have had So many huge things going on at the same time - an article was published about me in a national newspaper about my having been sexually abused as a teenager - continual teeth issues (pain annoyance & surgery, I have been going back and forth on a house I might be moving in to, and accompanying financial worries, tax problems, issues at work, new nanny, sleep problems, and the fact I have to home cook every single thing I eat because of allergies (which keep me awake at night if I am not careful).  I could go on.  I know everyone has a life - that is not easy, but mine seems to have been just too full and too difficult since getting pregnant with Sage.

But I am just Determined to have another baby, because it's something that can't wait until I'm 50!  Stale eggs or fresh eggs.  I just have to get on a schedule, and put my name down for IVF or fresh eggs at a proper clinic, with a real doctor (before I run out of sage's magic seed!)

I firmly believe that it will just be hard for a couple more years, then the rest will be So much easier.  Already I just LOVE having Sage So SO much.  If there is anyone out there who is reading this and thinking  "do i really want a child"  my answer is "YES" my child is everything and more than I had ever imagined a child could be.  "Pushing the pram" is just such fun!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Planting the seed

I finally got to plant my Magic Seed in April.  I nearly missed my fertile window. Luckily I insisted that Doc Uncommunicative inseminate me even though she thought it was the wrong day.  Most clinics rely on OPK's for signs of imminent ovulation, mine chooses a progesterone test.  Quite a number of RE's have told me point blank "progesterone is no measure of ovulation" and I would add to this "ESPECIALLY when the mother is still BREASTFEEDING." I was proved right when I suggested I go in for the progesterone tests the days following the insemination "in case we need to do another insemination" so we could collect data for any following cycles.  Fortunately the day after the "planting" my progesterone had skyrocketed proving that had we waited, we would have been Way Too Late!

Fortunately I could feel that conception had most definitely taken place.  An unusual sizzle in the tits, incredible tiredness with extremely deep sleep and extraordinarily vivid dreams for the first time since  my pregnancy with Sage.  Upon awakening my muscles ached in my fingers (not  such a great sign or things to come!).  A certain enlargement / widening  of my uterus, mysterious pains in the feminine area, and I could go on and on.

I was So happy and excited to be pregnant again, and although I felt tired I also felt extremely Well and Happy.  I couldn't believe that at 42 I could get pregnant so easily!  Then I started testing, and at day 10 finally got my BFP on a very sensitive test.  I was elated.  That is until that is I got my period full force the very next day!

Nearly the exact same thing happened for my May cycle too, except I knew at 5days PO that something had gone wrong....

Now something definitely has to change.  I went to see my general practitioner yesterday whom I greatly trust.   I also have two  unusual problems:  My tongue looks terrible (an acupuncturist would be horrified - hardly any coating and blotches all over) and also,  I keep losing weight despite the vast amounts of chocolate moose and ice cream I keep eating.  I have never been skinnier as an adult (and I am loving it!).  Not surprisingly I am reluctant to have this problem fixed too soon -for obvious reasons - but at the same time I can't help thinking something must not be quite right.

She is running various tests - thyroid etc and told me I have to stop the breast feeding because there is no way of knowing what the prolactin might be doing to prevent me being pregnant.  She also said if I don't manage to get pregnant soon, I will never forgive myself, for not going all out.  I know she is right.  I also don't want to waste the remaining  Magic seed from Sage's donor, because I cant buy any more.

Time to wean, and off to the health food store!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

No 2

In December I went to visit my RE about trying for baby No 2.  Since I am still Bfeeding and having monthly cycles she said we could try an unmedicated IUI right away.  However in January when the time came for planting the Magic seed - they sent me for  progesterone test, and told me I was not ovulating despite my LH smiley face.  It seems that they did not realize that breast feeding would affect my progesterone levels! So the moment was missed!

Feb cycle, I went in all excited - until I realized I had been feeling pains in my L ovary for way too long, so requested an ultrasound.  Good news was that there was no cyst, and no evidence of a uterine polyp.  However  at  day 10 my endometrial lining was at only 3 mm, so this cycle too was cancelled.

I just got back from the dentist to find that I have to have another tooth extracted and dental implant (For those of you who don't know me, I am not in my 70's although I may feel like it sometimes).   I will probably only be able to get this done after my vacation - and I can't imagine that would be good to do during conception - So I guess I have to wait till April for my next IUI.

Hopefully I will have been able to wean Sage a little more by then - which might improve my endometrial lining - (as will, not having to fight off my infected tooth).  I am so resisting weaning her. It makes me so sad to think she won't be able to feed from me.  Its just that I had such a hard time fighting with bouts of mastitis, now that all is easy (I went gluten free) I want to be able to comfort her when she wakes in the night.

I can't stand the thought (worry) of not being able to get pregnant again in addition to stopping feeding her before she is ready.  She does love food - its just that as she insists on feeding herself and very little actually goes down!

On the positive side I suppose I have to concentrate on the thought of being pain free - but do any of you have thoughts about using cadaver bone for my dental implant?  It totally freaks me out.