It has been over a year since I last posted. Quite honestly I just didn't imagine anyone would want to read of one failed pregnancy attempt after the next. My FSH shot up to 119 for a time - there was hope for in sight for a while when the acupuncturist got me ovulating again - FSH back to 37. I even got pregnant and had a chemical. But I really tried not to focus on what was going wrong - just on the positives - How much I was enjoying being a mummy of a growing child.
For those interested - I got Sage to quit breast Feeding - it did nothing for my cycles, but it did help me put on 20 pounds - which I am actively ignoring :-( and even more oddly turned my hitherto delightfully angelic child into a horrible impossible three year old - the sort one wishes never to have - and that people brought up properly and taught to stop screaming in public places. Six months on we are doing a lot better - and I am definitely stronger - but she frequently has her hand down my shirt for comfort and asks to "pretend drink"
For a time I wondered if I really wanted to continue with TTC for No 2. I signed up after the chemical for donor egg. It took for EVER for me and the clinic to get our ducks in a row - from My clinic faxing twice all my history to the wrong number - and the new clinic losing the forms once they had arrived. Three months later I was able to start choosing a (frozen egg) donor.
If anyone knows me IRW - I am quite fussy - there only was one suitable sperm donor I ever found to make Sage. Second day on egg bank I found someone 7 inches shorter than me that had an identical photo to me as a child. Apparently she was a very good match to me (no adult photos shown). After accepting her in a rush - I realized that she answered every question in one word. I turned her down.
The next egg donor I found looked nice but had a family history of diabetes I, II and thyroid - all of which have some genetic component. The third donor I liked disappeared before i could sign the forms. The fourth was perfect, only one of the gorgeous childhood photos absolutely reminded me of someone I really disliked in college. On a whim I showed the photos to my daughter and said "would you like to play with this girl" and Sage a said "NO, I don't like her" While I gave myself 20 min to come to my senses and realize that this donor had nothing to do with my friend in college - she disappeared from the website. I found a fifth lovely donor - only it transpired that every single male member of her family had come to some early and unfortunate end - in various bizarre accidents or car crashes. I decided that it would be too sad to bring a child into a family where there are no men, from a donor where all the men were fated.
After 4 months of waiting I decided to widen my options- I ended up settling on the sixth donor - of different / mixed ethnicity but similar coloring, four inches shorter than me. I liked her - and hopefully the kid will come out not looking too too different from me! There was only one exceptionally fuzzy child photo of her - I have no idea if she was good-looking or not. Here I say a small prayer.
I haven't had a period in months and this has helped me say goodbye to my own eggs - I called the clinic and asked them too test me to see if I can do the short protocol. And I can (I think this will save me a few weeks of hormones). They confirmed I have FSH still over 100 - good to know because I hot flush every couple of hours.
As excited as I am to get moving - I realize I am angry for all those people who get pregnant so easily. I passed a very young girl at the store today who could not have been more than 11 or 12 - she must have been 4-5 months along. I was horrified, she had NO female curves - only a protruding stomach - at first I thought she was bloated from being starved - then I realized she was just a pregnant child.
As excited as I am to get going I just feel I am so late in the day - why did I leave it so long? Then I have to think of all the things I need to get done before I'm throwing up every day - how will I cope. the new Nanny I appointed just quit to sell cosmetics - called me sunday morning at 855am to let us know she was vanishing effective immediately.
Sage starts daycare - fingers crossed!