Monday, July 22, 2013

13 days post IUI - regroup

My mother refuses to believe that I am not pregnant!  I suppose it should make me happy, she still has hope where there is none. (But it just makes me a little concerned about her - she is 82 and not quite herself lately).

I took a pregnancy test with my breast milk - just for fun - and to see another false positive.

I feel strangely accepting of this cycle not working out, and have decided not to doubt physical symptoms I felt, but I am pleased to say, I now have a very pain free period - after all the pains I felt for the last days.  Weird.

Yesterday I had a play date with a very "granola" friend.  She was so funny because she just said point blank.  "Completely wean and take drugs!"  Turns out that's what she had to do after 3 years of marriage - with no discovered infertility problem with either her or her husband,  and their first medicated IUI worked.  She has told no one.  Why are people so secretive about getting fertility help?

I also suddenly realized that I have absolutely no confidence in my doctor (I can't really make sensible decisions about protocol) and so i have decided to switch clinics.  It Turns out the first available new patient appointment at the other clinic is at the end of september.  I will call in every day for a cancellation.  I'm not waiting that long - it would put me doing an IUI in early november!

Finally if I have to do another cycle while I wait to switch clinics - I am worried about running out of vials (I have a good number - but there are absolutely no more when these are done.)  I was reading something on the internet about splitting a vial.  My donor consistently has more than 20 000 swimmers - why could I not use half - It's just I don't trust my doctor to get the right day - and when I got pregnant with Sage ended up using two vials to cover our bases.  I don't have enough to do this again.

I spoke to someone at my bank who said they had never even heard of this (and seemed rather annoyed at me).  Such a pity because every other time I have called, they have really excelled themselves.  One time they even had me talk to the head of their  sperm research.  Too bad I forgot his name!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

11 days post IUI Oh My.....

For some reason after I had explained to my mother how ridiculous it would be to test, I noticed Sage was engrossed in a baby signing time video, and I decided it might be an idea to take one anyway.

I managed to find my last first response test - stuck in with a packet of ovulation predictor tests.
I peed.  I watched the color move across the strip, and there before my eyes two faint pink lines appeared.  I was ecstatic.  I cried, out of relief and happiness, texted a few friends, was about to call my mother to tell her the good news, when instinct told me not to.

Last time this happened I got my period.  I was just thinking about posting on this blog - when it occurred to me there was something slightly different about the test.  I couldn't put my finger on it. Perhaps they had changed something.  Turns out it wasn't a pregnancy test at all - only some give away fertility test measuring FSH.

What an idiot I am - but why would they make the tests nearly identical?  It should say NOT at pregnancy test all over it!  I can't be the first person to make this mistake.

I took a real test after that - and results don't look good!

Friday, July 19, 2013

10 days post IUI

Feeling a little hopeful.  No period in sight, still pains though. No queazy feeling in the last 36 hours.  Sore tits.

My mother just called from UK to say could I "please test immediately" because she simply has to know "right now" so she can make her plans! What the XXXX

I am not testing yet because it wouldn't tell me anything conclusive.  On 9 days post IUI on a previous cycle, I had the very faintest positive only to be followed the next day by a very painful period.

Now is the time I start to barter with god - If you....   I will....

Thursday, July 18, 2013

9 days post iui

In honesty I have no idea any more.

Today I had to attend a meeting outside in the heat, first thing in the morning and I never recovered from the exhaustion and headache.  Also I woke in the night and feeling distinctly queasy, so I got up and made oats.  Last time I did an IUI I felt sick right before I got my period, so feeling sick was probably not a good sign.  Needless to say I have felt period pains all day, and spent the majority of my day seemingly checking my underwear to see if my period has started.

Life is a little cruel this way because on a normal cycle no IUI,  I have next to no period pains at all, certainly not for days on end.  It makes me think something must have happened, but how long for how long I don't know.

Can't believe I didn't waste a pregnancy test today, but I know its way too early - and my period will probably start the moment I try to test!  I have though arranged a busy / social weekend, so I can have some friends around if / when I get my bad news.

On a positive note my tits have become really quite sore when Sage milks me!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

7 & 8 days post IUI

No implantation bleeding! Oh dear.  I did have a few moments of depression about this until I got suddenly really busy, which has kept me well distracted.

For some reason my mother consulted our UK acupuncturist who said that under no circumstances should I fly long distance until I am 8 weeks pregnant.  Not sure why this is and I couldn't find statistical data.  Anyone know why this would be?

So my wonderful mother has decided that if I am pregnant I should not come and visit - and has informed the entire extended family that I am trying to get pregnant and am probably already so - So they should not expect me to visit this summer.  JUST GREAT!

Meanwhile my tits do not hurt or show any signs of doing so.  Sage is enjoying my milk more than ever (she had sort of gone off it for a while), and I just feel like I am very plugged up waiting for a rather painful period!

Oh well.  Time will tell!

Monday, July 15, 2013

5 and 6 days post IUI

I would like to thank Shannon and Abbey both for their comments on my last post!   Shannon undoubtedly has the backing of modern science to suggest that it is physically impossible to feel any sign of pregnancy before 5 days post IUI, however anecdotal evidence might suggest otherwise ?(especially in my case :-)

For example my whole life I have had extremely in or even non sensitive nipples.  At one time I thought there might actually be something wrong with me - so much so that I would inform any boyfriends not to pay attention to my nipples lest they go crazy trying to get some sort of reaction out of me!

Imagine my surprise when on my second IUI (unmedicated cycle - first IUI we were one day too late) I was busy at work when I suddenly was conscious of the sensation that a ghost had walked up to me and was pulling on my tits - so strong as to make them "sizzle".   I placed this at the time conception.  For 3 days I watched and actually photographed my nipples enlarging - to about 7 mm circumference.. Then this symptom gradually disappeared.

In the cycle that I got pregnant with Sage I only felt one tit sizzle on conception!

Now back to my pregnancy symptoms.  Days 5 and 6 have tended to be the time in my cycle where I feel something goes wrong.  On saturday I became extremely depressed thinking that perhaps this cycle might not work, because I could not feel any immediate and comforting pains of pregnancy.

Last night however I began to think perhaps there is still a chance.  When have I ever had pre period like pains starting from just a few days after ovulation?  Not to mention my extreme aching legs, and last night my first extremely vivid dream - and a touch of back ache (hopefully fixed today at chiropractor).

During supper I did feel as though something was sort of pincering into my uterus - not at all strongly though, more of a tickle really.  With Sage I felt her almost drilling into the side of my uterus on day 5 and again on day 7, with a mild implantation bleed for an hour on day 6.

Being an optimist I have decided to wear a panty liner today to be sure to see any bleed should there be one (as I happen to be wearing hot pink underwear).   I know that only about 30% of people experience implantation bleeding, but seeing as I had it with Sage and my mother did with me too - I believe this is a very important symptom.  I was also interested to learn that the earlier the bleed is experienced (closer to day 5 or 6) the higher the chances of a successful pregnancy.

Fingers crossed! Only another 259 days.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

4 days post IUI

Yesterday morning at least - Definitely pregnant!

Having not been able to take a nap in the afternoon the proceeding day I found it very hard to wake up in the morning.  Nanny left the house with Sage and again I wanted to get back into bed.  I decided however I would eat some chocolate mousse first.  The night before I had made two recipies - the first of which I sadly screwed up (because I decided to wildly change the recipe - the second was for my chocolate mouse.  I was dismayed to find I must have screwed this one up too - or were the eggs too old - perhaps I forgot the sugar?  I was about to put all my little pots in the trash, when I decided I would wait and ask Nanny on her return, to see if anything could be salvaged.

I was really feeling quite pathetic with no impetus to do anything at all, save go back to bed, until the phone rang with a very important phone call which jerked me into action.  Suddenly I felt pregnant no longer.  I wondered whether not being under the gun was actually a bad thing, perhaps I was only feeling pregnant because I wasn't busy enough?

Then I remembered a rather depressing article I read which said it is scientifically impossible to feel any signs of pregnancy before implantation has taken place - earliest this could happen 5 days post ovulation.  It made me feel rather stupid taking all the time to write this blog - and an extreme hypochondriac for noting twice the ailments I have recorded here for you guys to read!

Nanny came home and thought the mousse was as good as ever.  Just the same as usual.  I was ecstatic because at about 9 or 10 days post IUI with my pregnancy with Sage, I got back from an out of town visit to find that my Nutella did not taste very good.  I never ate another bite of chocolate the whole pregnancy!

I enjoyed the sate of extreme happiness and excitement over being Definitely Pregnant, for about two hours, before rushing to my acupuncture appointment.  She said the pulse on my left side was good, and on my right weak.  (I ovulated on my left side, and this was the side that supported my pregnancy with Sage - don't know if this means anything).  Anyway it was definitely better than the time two weeks ago when she told me to leave this cycle without IUI because she could/t find one of my (6) pulses at all!

Got home - and can you guess?  Was feeling so much better after the acupuncture - I thought I must be pregnant no longer.  So I had to test - the infallible chocolate mousse pregnancy barometer test!  Oh NO.  It tasted OK - much better than in the morning, but not great.  What does this mean?  NO IDEA.  Perhaps hormones change throughout the day.

Fell into bed at night.  Legs ached 8 out of 10.  I was just beginning to think perhaps I just have achy legs and should go see the doctor, when I concentrated very hard on my pains, and realized they emanated from the left upper side of my uterus, went into the small of my back, and there was that odd pulse again, and down into my feet.   Found myself worrying vaguely that there was a blockage in my fallopian tube.  My grandmother nearly died of such, and then I fell asleep.

Just another 262 days?

Friday, July 12, 2013

3 days post IUI

Definitely still pregnant, although yesterday was a much easier day, despite the fact that I didn't get a nap.   My period like pains were light and dull but a persistent 2 out of 10 the whole day.  (4 yesterday)

Lying down to go to bed I reluctantly realized that the waist band on my pajamas felt tight.  How could that be, and then there was that unusual pulse in the lower abdomen that I only get after IUI.

I was so tired that I slept though the entire night - waking only to make Sage a bottle of goat milk. There is still something up with my (breast) milk.  She took the cream off both tits and then picked up an empty bottle and signed "more bottle" - as opposed to "more mama milk."

Falling asleep last night I realized my legs ached so bad - with the worst pain being in my calfs (at about 7 out of 10).  I looked out my pregnancy pillow - couldn't find it!

I begin to worry because I know day 3 is when, if I were doing IVF, the embryos in the petri dish start to disintegrate.  Typically I think my embryo makes it to about day 4 or 5 and then (I feel) there is no implantation!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

2 days post IUI

I have decided to record every single twinge and tang associated with this cycle, even if it later proves I am nothing but a complete hypochondriac.  It will be good reference for any future cycles, and perhaps it will help me keep my emotions in check should this one not work out.  And the good news is that this blog is completely anonymous so I can be ruthlessly honest.

I feel about as pregnant as can be.  I am certain that it has worked.  My tits are sore - and either there is not the normal milk supply or it tastes funny, because for two out of three feedings yesterday, I got impatient with Sage offered her a bottle, and she seemed delighted!  She is not yet terribly verbal, but it was clear she was also trying to tell me something about wanting the bottle over my milk - and I was not upset about it.  Just pleased that the soreness would stop.  If this carries on she will be weaned very soon.

My mind was a wash yesterday.  As soon as Sage and nanny were safely out of the house I found myself having crept back into bed.  I didn't want to sleep.  My mind felt like goo.  I didn't feel at all sick - just I had no impetus to do anything.  In fairness though it the first day in about 8 months I had the nanny booked and didn't have ton run to work.

Before lunch a last appointment at the dentist - I now have all my teeth again (a partial instead of an  implant) and it was all good news.  After much cajoling, in the afternoon I got Sage to take 3 hour nap with me!

I had to pull myself out of bed at 6pm- for all things - to go on a date.  (Such bad timing I know).
Now I normally have a pretty sensitive nose, so I was thankful that he had taken a shower before picking me up.  However in the theater I could smell the lady's feet sitting three chairs away from me, and behind us the smell of stale sweat mixed with beer.  To add to the situation, my date leaned over to say a few words during the movie, and it became clear to me that he has dental decay in his mouth - which smells vial.  Was I more sensitive to the smell than usual - I have no way of knowing!

I got up (from the rather long movie) and panicked and suddenly thought "I don't feel pregnant any more" only to notice on the way home that I have what feels like very real period pains (like a 4 out of 10), and extreme heaviness in the legs.  As I have taken no drugs, and I did not feel at all this way the night before - I know it has to be a baby in the making.  Though my mind boggles how so soon after conception - possibly not even 30 hours - I could feel so extremely pathetic and pregnant.  I even found myself considering for quite some moments the upsides of Not being pregnant!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

1 day post ovulation (natural cycle)

I have now done a total of 7 IUI's and in every one I have noticed some fairly immediate sign of pregnancy, within a matter of hours.  Namely a certain sizzle of the tits.  Then as the days wore on I have experience other symptoms, until I have woken up one morning and said "all gone" (with the exception of the time with Sage).  I have just known that the baby has not stuck / implanted right.

So I was really surprised yesterday after my IUI to notice absolutely nothing at all!   I kept thinking maybe it was a bad egg and I had just wasted another precious vial of  Sages donor.  But just as I was about to go to bed I decided to do some explorations.  Fingers to examination - and I found the reason.  I still had tons of cervical egg white mucus.  So maybe I had not ovulated right at time of my IUI, even though my progesterone was said to be at 1.19, which has typically been very close to my ovulation point.

I will say that I did notice yesterday an unusual sense of well being, of relaxation and my body feeling sort of smooth and well oiled  - which I could put down to letting go of the worry that always seems to accompany me going to the IUI.  Did I mess up the days? Did I eat to much before the progesterone test which would screw up the results?  Would they schedule my IUI so late in the day that they missed the window etc?  Or could it be the energy of 21 million little swimmers racing round my innards!  Perhaps they give me some sort of nutrient I am missing - or remind me of the left overs of a night of hot sex!

It seems that last night I did not have enough milk, yes I am still breast feeding Sage, now only 3 times a day,  so when she asked for a bottle as well, I was only too happy to give it her.

This morning when she awoke for her morning feed, I am delighted to say that while there was no sizzle of the tit exactly - I can only describe the feeling as that of being milked by little round razor blades.  I got out of bed and my legs felt like lead!  But I feel good

So hopefully I am now 1 day pregnant or perhaps it is just ovulation optimism?  Anyway I must enjoy it whatever it is!  Only 165 more days to go, right?  I am determined to enjoy each day of being pregnant - until I find differently!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Trying for baby no 2, 6th cycle, 3rd IUI

Seed planted!  For some odd reason, perhaps its all the acupuncture I've been doing, I managed to ovulate exactly day 13/14 instead of day 22/23.  In fact I nearly missed the day entirely as I didn't think to POS.  I went running into the RE's office thinking I was too late but they did blood test and an ultrasound and told me today was the day!
Fingers crossed.
I feel nothing so far - except more crampiness and bloating than usual, because I have run out of my donors IUI samples and now have to use the ICI vials - which means an additional $300 for washing - and bigger sample volume.  How naive I was to think that I would be doing this at home all by myself.  At least though I had the foresight to invest in a large number of vials - and know that the Bank will buy any left in they storage back at half price.
Now friends - Prayers please!