Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Baby on Board!

I should have posted something few days ago - I just couldn't believe it.  After 34 months of disappointment, I am now properly pregnant.  The doctor actually called me today to tell me himself.  MyBeta 10 days past 5 day transfer was something just over 400 - and home pregnancy test line is as dark as control line.

It's so weird I really don't feel pregnant hardly at all.  I yawn quite a bit, but am not especially tired -and  I snack frequently but when I think back to how I felt when I was pregnant with Sage, it all feels so much easier.  Some of this I put down to not having to take the crinone (vaginal progesterone).  I am doing the injections in oil - and this has been no problem at all (and importantly does not make my whole uterus go into spasm with every dose.)

This is probably too much info - but suffice it to say I am delighted - and am doing another Beta Monday.  Only one thing is the Same as with Sage - I seem to have quite a high Beta number!

As always when there's one thing going on there's always another twenty important things at the same time - we are a bit busy - and leave at the end of a hectic week of work to make our fist trip to Disney.  Not sure my timing was great - But needless to say - I will be trying to take it a bit "easy"

Monday, October 19, 2015


Some people say it is love at first sight - others say it's love on hearing the heart beat.  When I had Sage there was no such sudden emotion - it was an incredibility slow growing love - that has just grown and developed.  Now she is nearly four I totally adore her!

But the oddest thing happened when I showed up for my single embryo transfer.  I had been waiting for some sort of special sign or auspicious moment, but there had been absolutely none.   I even did a special meditation - to no avail.  I couldn't concentrate.  The nanny who I had brought with us for the road trip from SmallTown to Atlanta disappeared into our hotel room - taken suddenly with a stomach bug, and I thought I would be late for the transfer

The clinic called me the day before to tell me that out of 6 eggs I had bought there was one grade A blast, one grade B and they would wait to see what might happen with the rest but didn't hold out much hope.  The nurse directed me to drink 40 ounces of water and hour before (I took it easy and drank three glasses of dilute apple juice- which was apparently just fine.)  I just remember wanting to pee so badly when I was pregnant with Sage that I would nearly throw up at the same time - and didn't fancy any sort of accident.

When I arrived in the transfer room the nurse showed me my embryo on the screen and in a flash all my anxiety's of the previous day just vanished.  I quit worrying about what sort of person I was bringing into this world.   It was as though I caught a glimpse of the divine.  I think I couldn't stop marveling at how beautiful the embryo picture was - until finally the embryologist came out and said that actually it was a pretty good looking blast!

Then I made them read out both the donor numbers - and thankfully everything seemed to be just what I had ordered (Sage's sperm donor + egg donor).

We chatted a little and the embryologist told me I have a two percent chance of identicles - He looked shocked when I told him that this was absolutely not allowed to happened and I had been told it was only one percent- I had previously explained to the Doc if he gave me twins - either he takes one home or he fixes it - He told me I would do just fine with twins - I assured him that there are plenty of people are praying for me that I get just one - because I won't be just fine!

The embryo was placed in a few seconds - and to my surprise the on call doctor doing the procedure  seemed quite excited gave me a huge hug and wished me a ton of luck.  And I was off on my long drive back to SmallTown.

When I came down to reception to pick up Sage and the Nanny - the security guard was all over me (a young 20's dude) "Oh you have a musical instrument with you - won't you play for me - You are THE BEST - can I watch you on Youtube etc."  I took this as a  good Omen.  When I was pregnant with Sage I also seemed to have some sort of unusual charisma!

So far I have not felt any particular sensations other than the usual cramping that I had from the mock transfer too.  I'm really hoping this works!

Friday, September 4, 2015

A new start: Donor egg

It has been over a year since I last posted.  Quite honestly I just didn't imagine anyone would want to read of one failed pregnancy attempt after the next.  My FSH shot up to 119 for a time - there was hope for in sight for a while when the acupuncturist got me ovulating again - FSH back to 37.  I even got pregnant and had a chemical.  But I really tried not to focus on what was going wrong - just on the positives - How much I was enjoying being a mummy of  a growing child.

For those interested - I got Sage to quit breast Feeding - it did nothing for my cycles, but it did help me put on 20 pounds - which I am actively ignoring :-(  and even more oddly turned my hitherto delightfully angelic child into a horrible impossible three year old - the sort one wishes never to have - and that people brought up properly and taught to stop screaming in public places.  Six months on we are doing a lot better - and I am definitely stronger - but she frequently has her hand down my shirt for comfort and asks to "pretend drink"

For a time I wondered if I really wanted to continue with TTC for No 2.  I signed up after the chemical for donor egg.  It took for EVER for me and the clinic to get our ducks in a row - from My clinic faxing twice all my history to the wrong number - and the new clinic losing  the forms once they had arrived.  Three months later I was able to start choosing a (frozen egg) donor.

If anyone knows me IRW - I am quite fussy - there only was one suitable sperm donor I ever found to make Sage.  Second day on egg bank I found someone 7 inches shorter than me that had an identical photo to me as a child.  Apparently she was a very good match to me (no adult photos shown).  After accepting her in a rush - I realized that she answered every question in one word.  I turned her down.

The next egg donor I found looked nice but had a family history of diabetes I, II and thyroid - all of which have some genetic component.  The third donor I liked disappeared before i could sign the forms. The fourth was perfect, only one of the gorgeous childhood photos absolutely reminded me of someone I really disliked in college.  On a whim I showed the photos to my daughter and said "would you like to play with this girl" and Sage a said "NO, I don't like her"  While I gave myself 20 min to come to my senses and realize that this donor had nothing to do with my friend in college - she disappeared from the website.  I found a fifth lovely donor - only it transpired that every single male member of her family had come to some early and unfortunate end - in various bizarre accidents or car crashes.  I decided that it would be too sad to bring a child into a family where there are no men, from a donor where all the men were fated.

After 4 months of waiting I decided to widen my options- I ended up settling on the sixth donor - of different / mixed ethnicity but similar coloring, four inches shorter than me.  I liked her - and hopefully the kid will come out not looking too too different from me!  There was only one exceptionally fuzzy child photo of her - I have no idea if she was good-looking or not.  Here I say a small prayer.

I haven't had a period in months and this has helped me say goodbye to my own eggs - I called the clinic and asked them too test me to see if I can do the short protocol.  And I can (I think this will save me a few weeks of hormones).  They confirmed I have FSH still over 100  - good to know because I hot flush every couple of hours.

As excited as I am to get moving - I realize I am angry for all those people who get pregnant so easily.  I passed a very young girl at the store today who could not have been more than 11 or 12 - she must have been 4-5 months along.  I was horrified, she had NO female curves - only a protruding stomach - at first I thought she was bloated from being starved - then I realized she was just a pregnant child.

As excited as I am to get going I just feel I am so late in the day - why did I leave it so long?  Then I have to think of all the things I need to get done before I'm throwing up every day - how will I cope.  the new Nanny I appointed just quit to sell cosmetics - called me sunday morning at 855am to let us know she was vanishing effective immediately.

Sage starts daycare - fingers crossed!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

awesome day - followed by bad news

On saturday our long awaited swing set and baby trampoline arrived.  Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness was wrong!  It cost a small fortune and was well worth every cent.  The mini trampoline ended up being put together in my bedroom - and although it's supposed to be for people under 100 pounds - it has proved to be quite capable of taking my weight.  And now that two and a half years has passed since my vaginal birth, I can jump without peeing my pants! (if I have recently emptied my bladder!) - Never thought I would see the day.

The crappy news was that the very next day I got my period - which was bad enough, but then I went in for day three blood work and ultrasound, only to find that I have a massive cyst on my left ovary, so I can't take any meds this cycle.

Problem is, I have to travel to UK for a couple months right after this.  I found a fertility clinic to take me in London, they said they could of course take my sperm (Sages donor).  I called to have it shipped there and the US bank assured me that the UK no longer allows them to ship sperm because their vials are "Open donor" instead of "identity release" which is now required by the UK government since 2005.

 I have tried to appeal to the UK governing body controlling imported sperm, but  it looks like the application will be very difficult to do, and extremely time consuming.  Their committee meets only once a month to discuss possible exceptions etc, and the application has to be completed by the UK clinic not me personally.

It does seem a little rough that my second child should have a different donor than the first just because of some stupid rule.  The UK law states that the child is entitled to a name of the donor aged 18 - i.e. Jo Smith, but no contact info.  Whereas I have an open donor who has said he would be willing / wishes to have contact.  Either way my donor would have to sign the UK form, and without this the prospect of importing it looks bleak.

Additionally I am running out of sperm.  I contacted the bank to see if they could get him to rejoin the program.  Apparently this process takes for ever - in addition to the 6 months quarantine period.  It has been three weeks and the bank hasn't even contacted me  - despite my phone calls to take my 250 dollars in payment to see if they would even ask the donor if he would consider donating again.

For some odd reason (against statistical evidence to the contrary) I do believe my best chance of getting pregnant is to do natural cycles - and I need more sperm.  Currently I am only prepared to use the remaining vials on medicated cycles - to maximize chances of getting one good egg.

I just wish I didn't have to go away for the summer.  Looks like I'm going to miss at least three cycles  - at 43 that is just not good news.  On the plus side I am feeling in better health than I have for a very long time.  I am sleeping better, enjoying my life more.  Sage is doing great - and she doesn't have to quit breast feeding.  Work has gotten a whole lot better (nothing to do with me - but I am enjoying it while its lasts).  Perhaps I should try and go on a date.  Feel sure if I just had some hot sex...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

crappy news all around

I went in for my IUI today, #6 for  a new baby.  I was about to sign the form acknowledging donor number when the doctor told me that there was only ONE million moving sperm out of the vial - and many of theses were not moving forward.  (Nearly a Zero percent chance of pregnancy - but they didn't mention this).   I was so shocked.

The vial started out with a count of 32 million from the bank.   It was split at my RE's office at my last cycle, they thawed half - and I was told I was inseminated with 5 million (an OK figure).  When I questioned what happened to the rest of the sperm, they told me that actually the 5 mil was wrong - because most of those were dead too.

If they knew this to be the case why did they not tell me, so I could put the rest of this vial aside for an IVF attempt or donor egg cycle - which would only need  a handful of good sperm.

So in actual fact the last cycle busted because I had crap sperm numbers and crap motility - (and possibly a stale egg!), and this cycle will be a bust for the same reason.  I had No chance.  The RE did mention that we could tip the vial down the sink, but that my chances would be higher if we placed them in my cervix! (Even I could figure that out Thanks!).

In addition I am so annoyed because all day yesterday they did not call me to give me my progesterone results - and I waited on tenterhooks being sure that my insemination would have been yesterday (as it has been in every other case bar the first, which we all agreed was too late).  In the end I decided to drop into the clinic to find out what was going on towards closing - and it took them forever to get to me.  Even at that point if someone would just have answered my two messages and given me just the results of the test (which I am paying out of pocket for) I would have been able to overnight an additional vial in time for todays insemination.  (Of course I should have ordered this ages ago - but I was disorganized and also ovulated way earlier than i was expecting.)

Royally pissed off.  This all comes after having discovered only a month ago that for  nearly 4 months I have been taking the WRONG homeopathic medication.  I still can't figure out how the mess up happened - if it was the pharmacy, the homeopath or my bad note taking.  Turns out the remedy I was given to facilitate ovulation was taken in the wrong potency - one which would suppress ovulation.  Could this be the reason that I had two cycles back to back of 57 and 65 days! - I thought the hot flushes and lack of period were due to a long time overdose of B vitamins (unlikely but plausible).

The good news is that this cycle I was taking the right remedy and got a positive OPK earlier than I ever have before, day 9.5.  And my uterine lining on ultrasound was thicker than ever at a 10 (usually a 7-8 ish).  Oh and I won't mention all the lovely fertile mucus that appeared out of nowhere - for days on end!

In briefly speaking to the RE we agreed that I definitely need more sperm - so no more half vials (as clearly this clinic in incapable of doing it right) and I also need more eggs to maximize any chance I might have of making a baby with the remaining vials of Sage's donor.

Next cycle - no more breast feeding- I am dreading it.  I might pump and dump - once a day - or wean.  No trip to the beach - because it will probably be during the monitoring phase - or perhaps we can just go for a couple days - depends on when I get my period.
Then I have to travel  to UK so miss a few cycles (which is OK because I will probably have a cyst after taking Femera anyway).  Doc suggested taking Clomid because it creates more eggs (I would hate to have twins and could just not do it) - I reminded her that Femera had worked for me to make Sage, and lucky I had just looked at a table that showed Femera makes fewer eggs but a much higher implantation rate!

So I'm all set - sort of, and really bummed out.

In nice things to look forward to, I just ordered a far too expensive swing set which will arrive about the time I get my period - and a very inexpensive fall apart very soon - indoor trampoline, which will be much better for Sage to jump on than our bed.

Last very positive thing is actually very amazing. At nearly two and a half years old Sage had made a line drawing of a Parrot.  It looks Exactly like a parrot.  Must be a fluke.  Her first ever drawing a year ago was extraordinary - and now this!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Great skin!

Yesterday I got my teeth cleaned.  Upon opening my mouth both the hygienist and the dentist immediately commented on how much healthier my gums looked.  I know I have been doing nothing different except for the 86 mg of Zinc daily from Foresight Preconception (along with extra minerals) or the oil pulling.  And both of these have been very recent additions to my regime.  The oil pulling was suggested by one of the baby sitters and is supposed to have all sorts of heath benefits.  To be honest I would never have noticed anything different with my gums except that they bleed a little less. (But I have noticed the skin on my face looking better and my geographic tongue is much improved.)

Bad news is that I last night I slept very badly, waking in the night hungry and rather suspiciously hot - Hope this isn't a return of the hot flushes.  I was just getting used to sleeping well.  I am wondering if it doesn't have something to do with the garlic powder I have just started using.

Time will tell!

Monday, April 7, 2014

IUI No 5 for baby no 2

I have not had a period for over 65 days.  I rather suspect that my over supplementing on B complex vitamins with iron caused me to stop ovulating and miss a period and have hot flushes for 5 weeks - either that or the menopause.  Stay positive right!

My hair analysis from Foresight Preconception came in after a long wait and it was confirmed that I am desperately short of zinc and depleted in many minerals - most likely due to the distilled mineral water I was drinking for the past 7 years.  Try to be healthy and it seems I was kicking myself in the foot.

I noticed a while back that I had an LH surge ( but not quite enough to get a positive on the OPK) and no ovulation. I decided to go in for blood work and it was confirmed that my progesterone was incredibly low.

The next week I kept feeling that i might get my period and even had a speck of blood but no period.  I was at my acupuncturist and asked her if she could make me have a period.  She said "sure not problem works every time".  On driving home from her office I could feel all sorts going on in my feminine parts. - then I felt what could only be described as ovulation pain.

I thought it could not be - but the next morning decided to pee on an OPK - low and behold I got  the strongest positive ever.  I went running into the fertility clinic.  They agreed to do immediate blood work but said they could only schedule the insemination for the following day.  (a whole day too late)

I was very proud of myself and stayed calm as a cucumber and said "Of course I can come then but my egg ovulated yesterday, so it will be too late.  I prefer to wait for next cycle." After a twenty minute wait on the phone they got me scheduled for a few hours later the same day.

Then I had to insist they check my uterus lining my ultrasound BEFORE they thaw HALF of my very expensive and precious vial of donor sperm.  The last ICI vial had 16 million motile sperm post wash and 34 million pre wash - which I considered to be overkill for my one (clearly defective) egg.  The reason I have not been getting pregnant is nothing to do with not having enough sperm!

Apparently they thawed 10 million but only got 1.5 million motile sperm and the quality was Not Good. So another scraping at the vial gave me a total of nearly 5 million.  They refused to tell me how many they thawed the second time, but they did say there appeared to be a good bit left still frozen.

The head of the sperm lab was not at all keen to try splitting the vial - but after months of negotiating and cajoling she agreed to give it a go. (I discovered that this vial was frozen the same day as the last one, so I assured them there should be plenty).  If there is enough left in the vial to do an IVF cycle or  a donor egg cycle that will be good enough for me.

Count down,
Insemination,  I feel a very special energy around my uterus.  On breast feeding Sage 3 hours later I notice my nipples are already sore. I sleep really well. Have a wonderful dream that I am pregnant with a boy.  He is manly but not the fighting type.
Day 1. I feel awful, heavy, exhausted, huge pains in uterus area, not sure if I have an allergic reaction or if I have a stomach bug.  Cervix closed and high.  I call in sick from work for the day.  Doubled over in pain for an hour or so.
Day 2 After acupuncture I feel much better, cervix high and egg white fluid !!- (really?)
Day 3  On looking in the mirror I notice my skin looks rather good, extra smooth.  Distinct stabbing pains about 4 times in right side of uterus - or ovary.  a good day.  My nipples are still sore.
Day 4. Nipples less sore but whole breast area enlarged and actually painful close to under arm.  Either I will get my period very soon or I am pregnant.  In the afternoon, I lose my focus, so lye on bed for a second, and am awaked 90 minutes later by the babysitter needing to leave.  I notice the smallest ever spec of blood (too soon for implantation bleeding)  perhaps my period is coming.  Cervix suddenly low down and open.
Day 5.  I have implantation bleeding.  I am quite delighted - until it slowly dawns that actually I am having a full blown period!
I bleed for 6 days.

On the plus side my skin is looking better than ever.  I feel as though I look 5 years younger - but am waiting for someone to say it (un prompted)!

I realize my skin started improving as I added in the 86 mg of daily zinc from Foresight Preconception.  (This is a huge dose).  What surprises me is how quickly it worked - it wasn't as though I had been taking no zinc before.  There should have been 15mg in my prenatal.  Also I had tried taking sublingual zinc - between 30-50mg a day - but I found it hard to drink - and never noticed any improvement from it.

Worryingly I remain rather too optimistic.   If the zinc can make my face look so good - what wonderful things can it do for my eggs?   The hypnotherapy seems to be working - a little too well perhaps!