doubting my decisions

Two weeks ago our long awaited new au pair arrived.  It became apparent within minutes that although she is a lovely girl she has absolutely no interest in children, and no ability to play with Sage.  It took five days for me to let the agency know there was no hope, and a further two weeks to get her gone.  In addition to this she had absolutely no money (to buy tampax, or get our of the house and do anything), The agency refused to give her any, so I found myself paying her for a job she was not able to do.  Sage refused to be left with her even for 5 minutes.  The agency have placed her with a family of three children under 6.

On the night she left I burnt my hand, and was in excruciating pain.  The only adult in the house, in horrendous pain and one handed, I found it impossible to cope.  I had to call out the nanny at 11pm on a sunday, and was only extremely thankful that I have one child instead of two.

Then somehow I managed to come down with a slight cold, I had been warding it off for ages, but then it got me.  Everything was a struggle.  I enjoyed nothing.  I kept thinking "oh no I have all of Sunday to get through by myself, another hour before we can retire to bed".  I realized that I don't think I have really been sick for ages, and when I was I had another adult living in the house.  

In addition, I met up with a friend for lunch.  Some time back she had been asking me what it was like to become a mother.  I just love it of course.  She clearly had reservations about getting pregnant but her husband was pushing her to try.  To cut the story short, we met for sushi.  She seemed a little different.  She told me she was definitely not pregnant, I was not so sure, even though she told me she had taken two tests and got a negative.  She is an ultra smart girl. 

She is of course pregnant on her first try - and in my opinion every time I see her it seems to me she is trying to hold back tears - she is so worried, shocked and - not wanting to be pregnant, but not willing to accept that she has been married to a man for 5 years, and making him wait for something she never really wanted.

I had my polyp removal surgery yesterday.  An uncomplicated procedure, all went smoothly.  I was supposed to have only taken 3 ibuprofen which in my opinion would have been quite adequate.  Instead I was given twilight anesthesia which was fine.  Only problem was as I entered the outpatients facility, they told me total cost for procedure was going to be $20 000, and I have a deductible (thanks to out new insurance) of $6 000.

Also my doc decided to use the one local anesthetic that I told her I don't do well with, even though it was plastered all over my paperwork, and we had discussed it before.

Oh and there were no polyps, just scar tissue (probably from the surgery she did before to remove the other polyp) "And some little white dots, I'm not sure what they are."  So none of this made me feel too good.  I should have had another doc do the surgery.  

I just really don't know how I could handle another child, something about seeing my good friend in tears over finding herself pregnant, may have been catching.  Never thought I could change my mind like this.  Also i guess i realize it means I have to this time wean my daughter - all she talks about is Mama milk - and the thought that I probably won't get pregnant anyway, and if I did i might be so sick I couldn't cope