Still after the Storm

The last few days have been packed with difficulties at work, an ever lasting headache, discoveries, and decisions.  Thankfully - and perhaps due to some acupuncture, I have now found a place of calm and confidence.

If I were to write about the torment I suffered yesterday as I tried to understand what an FSH of 20 means, weigh my options, natural cycle , medications, run to CCRM, invent my own protocol, I think I would drive you crazy.  All I will say is that I came up for perfectly good arguments for each.  But finally I have decided to give the pills a good go (and tweak the protocol a little!)

I was so worried that taking the Femara / letrozol would make my headache worse.  In actual fact it pepped me up - and 2 hours after popping it, the everlasting headache had completely disappeared!

Then I got a very funny email from a SMC who must have forgotten the details of fertility treatment.  She wrote "Congratulations on your FHS of 20 - I am So Happy for you Yah" which started me in a fit of giggles.  Life is so ridiculous, why should I worry about a test which tests something, that I really have no understanding of what it is, and is known to be extremely unreliable.  Even AMH is only 70% reliable. I ovulate, and have some supper fantastic sperm - I still have hope!

Then after lunch the lovely Scott from the sperm bank called and told me I don't have to worry that my donor is - in my terms "butt ugly". He talked me through the "look alike" pictures - and I feel very happy with my choice.  Apparently he has a bad hair cut (in the places where he still has hair) and a high forehead - but I am not going to worry too much about that, as I think I probably have a high forehead too - and its never bothered me!

Then I remembered the rather stunning SMC I met saturday who told me that with her FSH of 18 and non existent AMH she was informed there was no hope.  She got pregnant on her first try!

I was just sitting down to a cup of tea when the RE doctor from the Choice Mom's conference called me - and explained that FSH of 20 means I am going into ovarian failure - but she said, I still do have a very small chance.  I was so touched that she would call.  I am not her patient. I just cross questioned her about early ovulation - until she said "I think you are really quite unusual" - which may not have been meant as such - but I took to be a great compliment!  Her calling me just now reminded me that there really are some wonderful people / doctors in this world. She went on to explain to me that she recently told someone with FSH 28 to do donor eggs, but before their cycle had began she found she was pregnant naturally.

I am realizing that writing a blog is extremely therapeutic.  It helps me process my thoughts, and see where I was yesterday.  And now that there are TWELVE followers - it makes me feel like..... hmm,...... Just so you know... Each one of you is Very Close to my Heart!