Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Choosing a Donor

I guess most single women decide to become a choice mom, and then set about choosing a donor.  But for some reason, I found it easier to select the donor, before I had really decided to go ahead with my "little project".  It was actually quite good fun, joking around with my friends, sussing out their reactions to my choosing someone totally unsuitable and unlike myself!  Furthermore it gave a chance for those people, to give me their unbiased opinions, on my becoming a "choice" mom.

I have to say at this point - I do So Hate the term "choice mom".  I would never have chosen this - if there had been Any suitable man who would have made a half decent husband.  In actual fact my very last boyfriend was wonderful - sadly six months INTO our relationship he told me that he did not want to be a father or get married any time in the next 5 years!

So I chose a donor, who I would have been happy to meet, had he posted a profile on match.com, and took him (OK his profile) to my therapist.  On examining his papers she exclaimed "How did you find a guy like this?"   Then she said "next" and I explained that there were no other contenders.  There was one other, but at age 37 he worked as a part time model and waiter, and I was worried that he seemed a little lost in life - and I wasn't sure if "being lost" would be inheritable!  Another guy was perfect but had all the same health problems that I and my family do, yet another had only two vials left, and a further one was lovely but from a country with whom US has recently been at war- and most of his family were still living there. (In Europe we always say you should only get a nanny that comes from a compatible country - so I figured that a donor would be the same).

My donor was the Only donor I would consider - and in fact I do believe a part of me had sort of fallen for him.  I won't tell you how many nights I fell asleep encouraging myself to meet him in a dream, that I would get on a plain to some exotic location, and find myself sitting next to a handsome man with blue eyes, fall madly in love - and then discover that this was My donor! - (not shared with anyone else of course).  OK so now you all know how crazy I am.  Well to be precise, the two very special people - that are currently following this blog will know how crazy I am.  Thank you for following.  Fairly shortly afterward this, I made the decision to go ahead with finding an RE and getting myself checked out and inseminated.  (I recently learned that cows get pregnant 99% of the time they are inseminated - so my new thing is to make a special effort to "feel" like a cow and "moo" around the house!

Having known myself for 40 years now, I realize that actually I suffer occasionally from bouts of paranoia.  Remembering the story of some choice moms who had a get together some years back - and found that all their delightful children shared some remarkable similarities (including their all having red hair), ((I think we all know the story here - The owner of the bank had supplied his own sperm instead of  that of the donors he was advertising!)) I should say that before choosing my donor - I spent Days researching different sperm banks.  I even called my top three contenders with annoying questions to see which would deal with me the best.   I wanted the bank I would trust the most - so I would be able to sleep at night - and the one that would give the most possible information. The one I found (which I think is the largest in the US) showed the donors' hand writing.  (Not that I consider myself any handwriting expert).  But I did want to be sure that the donor would have better handwriting and spelling than mine!

I also wanted to choose someone that I felt I had quite a good feel for.  So many of the donors only gave the most minimal of answers as though they didn't want to give away any of them self in the process.  I  worried that someone like this might lie by omission, when it came to filling out the health form.  Forget to mention say, that they had a sibling who died as a youngster etc.

As I have green eyes, I could potentially have a child with any color eyes - since my mother has blue, and my father brown, so could choose a guy with any color eyes.  I also thought it would be best if my donor would share some similar heritage so the child would stand more chances of looking something like me.  My mother said "you'd better have a child that looks enough like you, that should you lose it in the supermarket - when you come to collect it at lost and found - they will believe that your are the mother".  That seemed like good advice.

Then I went ahead and bought All the sperm my donor had available - as he had stopped donating - and would soon no longer be available.  For months I would walk around with credit cards that were completely "maxed out" on sperm!  I kept telling myself that it was Not Money wasted (surely a divorce would cost a good deal more) - and as I could still get 50% back on those vials not shipped.  I was just "investing in my future".  An investment is a risk - and one never knows if or how it will pay off!

In retrospect there is one BIG thing I would have done differently.  Since beginning to tell more friends about my little "project", the number one question they ask (if they are not too shocked) is "Where do you store the sperm" - to which the obvious answer is "Next to the chocolate ice cream".  But then they always ask the question that really upsets me.  "Did you get a really cute donor ?"  As it happens I didn't - because the one I liked, wasn't.  Then they say "Well is he At Least, Really Tall" to which I cannot lie.  I have to say NO "just nice, healthy and smart".  Now I have to admit I do worry about this a bit and frequently find myself walk around praying "Dear God, can I please please get very pregnant extremely soon, And please can the child Please not be too ugly".  I guess there will always be something to worry about.

But if I ever have to use an egg donor - she will be as Beautiful, Sporty and Thin as ever- even if she seems like a complete airhead - and I'm not telling a soul except for you!

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE your mother's logic, If the kid gets lost... That is great and very logical. :)

    When I ordered the sperm, I wasn't sure how you were to pay. When I bought a house, I had to have certified checks etc and certainly THIS was a bigger purchase than a house. So when the "sales rep" said I could pay by credit card. it took me a second to process and I said "So I get frequent flyer miles for my kid??" Poor woman didn't know what to say. (I ended up taking a trip to Alaska last summer using the miles which I will be sure to tell my little girl about!!)

    Bethany

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