doubting donor and TTC

I am trying to get in some much needed vacation at my local yoga retreat, and am praying that this will help me shed some newly acquired pounds, thanks to the cyst on my right ovary. 

Immediately that I arrived here, I was befriended by a charming 5 year old boy, who has been reluctant to leave my side ever since.  This of course is flattering but sometimes a tad inconvenient / annoying.   I keep wondering how I would manage if he were mine!   Hope I would have different feelings!

Although I am currently rather out of shape and definitely in need of a shower as I forgot my deodorant at home etc, something is definitely up with the stars. Yoga Centers tend to be places overflowing with women wearing birkenstocks, and hold just a handful of men, most of whom are a little odd, and this yoga center is no different. Something out of the ordinary is going on in my life, because I seem to be acting as some sort of a Bachelor Magnet - in spite of having a demanding 5 year old boy tugging at my hand.

Extraordinarily - when I explain to the Eligible Bachelor - that I am here to get some rest in before my next cycle of donor insemination - He takes it in his stride - like it's as common as ordering a tall double frappuccino at starbucks!  I would have thought this sort of info would "put him off" but no - quite the contrary!   Why is it that men seem to get more interested in dating me when they hear about my desire to get pregnant.  Has anyone else had this experience?  Will they Run Away if I ever do get pregnant?  I just don't understand the psyche of a man.  Do men think wanting a baby will make me desperate?  - or do they think that as I don't need the sperm, I'll be happy to just "have a good time" as I'm (clearly) "not getting any"   

On sharing this rediculous situation with my new room mate / yoga teacher, who has lived happily with her husband for the past 30 years, she began telling me how being a mother has simply been the very best part of her life.  "When the children were little, it was just so wonderful" she recounted.  When I casually asked how her children have turned out as adults, she said "oh, they are a complete disaster, my son is an addict - we got him off heroin a couple years ago, he put us through so much - he stole our life savings - and my daughter...."

My heart sank.  I started to freak out. (Trying to keep my composure - and not look completely horrified) I sat there thinking - What if my children turn out as a complete disaster?  What if they steal my life savings - Could I still love them (No I don't think so).  Are Disaster children born as a result of genetics, bad luck, or bad parenting - or all three? (Worryingly I just found out that I carry a genetic predisposition to becoming an addict.)

I really thought that I had given the single mother thing All Possible Due Consideration, but last night I started to doubt myself.  I kept thinking "It's not too late - I can change my mind - or donor - perhaps I should I get a cuter and more boring donor (less likely to do drugs).  How much money would I lose if I bailed out completely?

When I finally did manage to fall asleep, I awoke just a few hours later to a nightmare, that my donor  had completely lied All Over his profile, and that he had a criminal record. Sadly it is a true fact, that the Sperm bank I chose doesn't even check for a criminal record.  They say that the student population from top schools are unlikely to have criminal records so they don't consider it worth checking.  They don't even have the donors interviewed by a psychologist!

I told the whole situation to a friend this morning, who reminded me that nothing in this world is for certain and that its the process (of life) that is to be enjoyed, more so than the end result. And I might, after all have a child who turns out to be a simply lovely drug addict!  I keep thinking about what the minister says at church. "Risk something Big for something Great".  Not sure though if he is talking about single mothers getting sperm donors!