The day of the IUI, I worry that I don't feel that sizzle in the tits that I have after so many other (failed) IUI's and my pregnancy with Sage. Also I worry that 14.5 hours after ovulation may have been too late for the insemination (sometimes the egg can live only 12 hours, and I am turning 43 next month.)
The night after the IUI I have the WORST dreams EVER. All of them are about me being completely charmed by a little boy who turns out to be a mass murderer. I wake up because I am really thirsty. I freak out and pray to god I am not pregnant or that the baby is a girl.
I wake up with another horrible dream about a nasty man, but upon rising begin to feel extremely well, confident and happy. The day goes very well, but in looking in the mirror it is clear my geographic tongue has suddenly gotten worse. I notice crampings mosty on my left side (where I ovulated) but some on the right too - I am begin to wonder. At night I look at my tits (nipples) and wonder if they don't seem a bit rounder.
Two days post ovulation - I need to pee in the night, and have another dream about a charming man with the most gorgeous face. IRW -I know I will be having a boy - the palm reader told me.
In the afternoon I feel suddenly weak / faint and Sage won't nap so my mother plays with her while I lye down. The cramping pains are still coming along - and I wonder if I am not peeing more often.
Later I decide to take Sage - and my mom to the nature museum. Throughout the afternoon we bump into friends / acquaintances who all have children younger than Sage - each of them in turn tells me they are pregnant with baby number two - who happens to be a boy. I begin to wonder how if this isn't a sign.
I notice at bedtime that my groin is somehow swollen - the pains are coming from more the center of the uterus not the left side so much any more.
A lot of cramping pains. Upon waking I notice the joints in my hands really hurt. (They did this a little during my pregnancy with Sage - and for about a year after (intensely) - I gave up eating wheat, and it got 98% better. I freak out. I notice for real somehow my whole breasts hurt, and it isn't that I have too much milk. I know I am pregnant and I hear my mother's voice in my mind saying "you can never do this - abort the baby" I wonder if she isn't right.
Three days post ovulation. I wake in the morning to a dream where the doctor shakes my hand and tells me "Mam the reason you have not been feeling well is because you are pregnant - most definitely so" I mumble something about it being too early to tell but he says "Mam you are pregnant, imperial evidence says it is so, Congratulations." I awake and am extremely happy and confident - I don't feel any symptoms, but I know it. I am pregnant!
During the day I wonder, and I really pregnant with a baby who turns out to be a murderer - surely nothing is set in stone - before the birth? But in all my dreams I am so charmed by this child/man - does it matter if the man who brings me the greatest fulfillment in life turns out to be an awful person. A big debate / freak out is going on in my mind.
Aside from these unsettling thoughts the day day is a luxurious one, I am lucky to get adjusted by the chiropractor and have a massage. I feel fabulous. For the first time in days my lower back stops hurting. I feel no odd pains in the pelvic area at all.
The following night there are no dreams - the back ache returns, and I finally pull out my old pregnancy pillow - It works wonders. How did I ever sleep without it?
Four days post ovulation, I feel great, a little weak on first rising but overall great. In a scramble to get out of the door to get Sage to the eye doctor (i.e. running upstairs with a 24 lb Sage to change a diaper) I get huge uterine contractions very low down - I do not worry - i had this through the whole of my pregnancy. I am quietly confident. The pains come and go all morning. My geographic tongue is looking really awful - i am not sure if this is a good sign (something definitely going on - or a bad sign - my body is not coping well). Some slightly yellow vaginal discharge.
Five days post ovulation I feel no twinges for nearly the whole day. For a moment I lose my quiet confidence that I am indeed pregnant - this its the time when other cycles have gone out. But either way this cycle has been so much better than my others - which somehow seemed to wipe me out and make me exhausted. I may not be pregnant but I feel good. Not long after I am in the bathroom to pee. Most of the mucus has gone - I wonder if it isn't a little brown. As I wipe I notice a very small amount of blood - YAY (implantation bleeding!) - I search for more - there is none. Later that night I have a little more cramping. I am hopeful again!
Six to nine days post ovulation, Sage gets really sick. She coughs, she throws up - five times in one evening, my mother mentions something about us going to the ER. I realize that things are not that serious, but it ends up with the Sage breast feeding from me every two hours 24 /7. I worry that the prolactin will stop the embryo implanting properly - but I only find evidence on the internet to show prolactin stopping ovulation. I feel I have no choice but to feed her, because I have no other good way to cope with her being so ill - the milk quiets her and lets her stop coughing and lets her sleep. We go see the acupuncturist who spends much of my session working on Sage (with acupressure). My (geographic) tongue looks dreadful. We all know I should not be feeding Sage.
The time to test has come. I am Not pregnant. I was for a short time after the implantation, for two days I got a very faint positive. Now there is only one line. I decide that the reason the egg did not plant probably has more to do with my egg quality than the fact that Sage breast fed through the night for tree nights. But who knows? At least I won't be giving birth to a mass murderer.
Now I have to decide if I want to take medications or try my very last natural cycle. And I figure it might also be a very good time to talk to a therapist about some of my latent fears of having a second baby.