Introducing; Sage, Alice: born Christmas Eve

They say that if it's hard to get pregnant, and the pregnancy is tough - then the birth should be real easy! So I figured that in my case, Baby should literally Fly out of me - and that is strangely exactly how it happened.

My due date was somewhat before Christmas - but to make things easy (I mean who is really going to care what date she is due) I boldly informed all who asked that she was due on Christmas Eve.  And it seems that little ears were listening to me, as this was exactly the day she chose to be born.

For months I had been having tons of Braxton hicks - some extremely painful - especially when I had by accident eaten foods containing MSG.  But I was out to supper a few days before the birth and noticed a VERY SLIGHT pressure in my back (about the only place Not to have caused me trouble during the pregnancy!

I went swimming the next day - and found some relief.  That Night I felt one VERY odd and different feeling Braxton Hicks.  I immediately retired to my whirlpool, and forgot about it!

On getting out of the tub - I had another odd feeling Braxton hicks - followed by another 3 min later.  Things continued like this for the next few hours, and I slowly came to the I realization that these were probably that my contractions.  They were only 20 - 40 seconds long and were consistently from the beginning about 3 minutes apart.  At some point I decided to call the doula because I was in tons of pain.  I had decided to have her drive me right away to the hospital.  Her response was "Mam your going to have to learn to just deal with the pain because things are going to get a lot worse. You will have a long day and night ahead of you and you will need all your strength.  Your contractions will lengthen and intensify - if you can't deal with it now I really don't know what to suggest"  I could have killed her!

I asked her to come to the house.  When she arrived she suggested a few positions to lie in that seemed to help me get some relaxation between the contractions - like on my side with top leg bent.  I wished I had asked her to come sooner - Until that is, I requested her take me to the hospital (because I knew at this point I was desperate for an epidural - and there would be No possibility of having it while I was still at home.  It was at this point she had the BRIGHT idea that I try to write some thank you cards or that I take a shower.  I could have killed her AGAIN.

She then informed me that I could be no more that 3 centimeters dilated - and the hospital might even send me home.  I insisted we go - and finally she drove me there.  (I was convinced that I would shit in her car - I did't say anything - but secretly thought it would serve her right if i did!).  Sadly I kept that little number for later!

While she parked the car I informed the hospital that instead of the natural childbirth room - I wanted a room with ALL the latest gismos AND EPIDURAL.  When the doula heard what I had done she had a small fit and said "think of all the money you paid me - and now your asking for an epidural"  I said "yes because NOW I want it"

I let them check my cervix, and to everyone's surprise - except for mine - despite very short contractions I was 7.5 centimeters dilated - from this point forward - with the acknowledgment that something really was happening - and my mother prescribing me a homeopathic remedy (over the phone from England) the pain seemed much more bare able.  No-one mentioned an epidural.  I saw them get the baby nurse and table ready - so i figured that something might be going to happen.  I dared not think what!

For a quite some time I was scared to push - because I felt like I would do a Shit all over everyone - until the midwife told me "actually having a baby does feel rather like you are doing a big shit - Don't worry I promise you you won't do a shit - just push it out." She was lying of course, but this encouraged me somewhat and I started to push.

Not long after, the doula started calling out to my baby "Sage Sage come on out".  I remember yelling back at her "how dare you encourage her to come any quicker - this is as fast as i want to go - I don't want to go ANY Faster".

Every now and again the nurse would tell me how well I was doing - I was really surprised and pleased by this - as the doula did not seem able to say One encouraging word!

With one big push my water broke - in fact it exploded all over the nurse,  midwife and doula - I was secretly delighted that I stained the doula's white sweater.  Contrary to what I had heard, the pain was no worse now.  Another few pushes and I felt the baby tear me.  Again the pain was bad, but it had already reached the maximum intensity beyond which it did not pass.

Before I knew it, baby was out - the cord wrapped around her head.  I had always joked with my friends - that my baby was a wimp because she didn't move much - well now we find out why - because the cord was so short.

From the moment I saw her with all her hair - I was in complete shock and disbelief.  It was the biggest shock of my life - I couldn't believe that she had actually come out of me.  She looked up at me, and I was in heaven.  Apparently I kept saying "I just thought I was just doing a really Big Shit" Over and Over.

Then I remembered what had been my secret fear all along - about giving birth.  A long time ago I had dated a hot dude - which a HUGE "little man".  In fact he was So Huge - that really his um, Hmm "little man" was too big for me to use.  Of course I realized that He must have been much smaller that a babies' head - so I was worried that if I couldn't HMM HMM - I would"t be able to push the baby out!

Of course I decided to share this little story with everyone in the room, baby on my stomach - after announcing Again how I thought I really was just doing a Huge Shit and had No Idea I was having baby- I thing Everyone, including the midwife And DOULA and baby nurse and tech, burst into laughter.

To be continued...