Thursday, May 19, 2011

Outrageous Hormones - horrible feelings

I apologize because I have not been posting or keeping up with reading everyone's blogs.  Sadly I just seem to have lost a lot of the joy I used to find in reading them.  Its just that when you feel like throwing up, nothing really seams to matter.  Every once in a while I have a better day or few hours, but life has been a Real Huge Struggle.  Thank God I have a super easy job, which has enabled numerous afternoon sleepovers with my dog close by my side.  But in actual fact I realize I hate going to work.

When life gets tough, sadly its never just one thing that goes wrong - its FIVE things, all wrong together - and it makes me wonder if I don't deserve it - or bring it on myself in some way.   And of course upsettingly there seems to be a theme - issues with friends, colleagues and jealousy.

Firstly, I realize must be depressed - even though I keep telling myself how happy I am to be pregnant - that I didn't have to do IVF, but in reality I would do anything just to feel well and have some really good friends.

Secondly, a colleague who has been really rather nasty to me for the past three years, is pregnant, not that she told Me - but Why does she have to be pregnant at the same time as me? It will be the two of us pregnant at work together.  She is 18 weeks and hardly showing, she has had all the tests and knows she is having a healthy baby.  I overheard her saying in tones of disgust "We didn't need ANY help getting pregnant." I can't control my feelings.  I am jealous as hell.  She has tons of friends, a wonderful husband, recently (and very publicly) inherited millions of dollars, and she frequently gives parties to which our whole company is invited (except me and one other perfectly nice colleague who actually lives across the road from her house).  When she needs my help, she will have someone else ask me for the favor, and then treat me like shit.

In addition I was at work earlier this week, and was required to give (some very mild) feedback to a colleague.  His retort was to go to management and accuse me, of hitting and kicking him.  Management did clearly not take the accusation seriously - but nor did they seem to have any problem with him making up stories.  Another colleague, who was completely uninvolved in any part of this, took up this guy's case, so much so, that she publicly yelled at me and said "if you ever hit or kick anyone again - the whole team has been given the authority to hit and kick you back together".  I was so shocked and stunned, (and obviously did not believe for a moment that any legitimate workplace advice could be to attack someone.)  The timing was such that without saying the field in which I work - it was absolutely impossible to respond.  So I sat down, completely shocked that anyone could believe I would ever attack someone (let alone a very tall athletic man),  and we all resumed our work.  Of course now I have decided to document with a paper trail, but why do I have to work with people who belong in kindergarten?  I want to quit.  After I get my maternity leave.

Lastly, I have really enjoyed getting to know other Single Mothers by Choice in my small town.  In early december I got to know a new SMC.  We met a few times, and spoke regularly on the phone and were in fairly close contact.  Latterly she had failed to respond to a couple of group invitations and a phone call, so she did not hear that I am now pregnant.  Yesterday she called to tell me in a rather distracted manner that she too is pregnant.  I was delighted for her, until I realized that she has been pregnant since the beginning of the YEAR.  She is 19 weeks, knows she is having a healthy boy, the donor of her boy is her EX husband - so she has a man to pay child support, and a father for her son.  I just feel so deceived. All those times she called to know if I got my BFP, all the mean while she was lying to me.  What is the point in being friendly to someone who does not trust me enough to share their good news, who consistently lies to me "Oh no,  I got my period,  I must make that appointment at CCRM" and then doesn't think there its anything unusual.  I expect she only told me so I can be invited to give a gift for her baby shower.

And Really Lastly.  My niece is pregnant with a Billionaire.  I have been assured by her father that the pregnancy was planned - but seemingly to me it was badly planned because she is five months, and he is still married to someone else.  Either way it seems to me she will do quite well out of it.  Everyone is being So supportive of her - people are flying in from Paris and around the world to help with the baby etc.  And to top it off - I have been informed that her son's name - Is the very one I had picked out should I have a son.  Well now there will be TWO !

Fortunately I get to visit my mother next week, which Could be great, or not, but anyway the scene change, and escape from work will be very welcome.


  1. I won't tell you that feeling sick gets better because for me it didn't really, but in the end it is SO worth it. Seriously. Best thing I ever did, and I'm now contemplating number 2.

    The rest, well, people are stupid! My best friend (happily married and desperate to have a baby) hasn't spoken to me since I told her I was pregnant, so close to 2 years now. Stuff happens, I moved on, and it's totally her loss. But I hear you on having friends, I feel like I don't really have that many, and it sucks.

    As for the depression, and all that goes with it, some of it may be hormones, but if you are worried, talk to your doctor, they can help. And don't feel guilty over any of it. Your feelings are as genuine as anyone's, and you have a right to feel them.

    Oh, and names... I changed my mind on names so many times while pregnant, the one I ended up picking was not even on my list until 7 months or so... keep an open mind, and if there's two kids with the same name so what? Yours will be better any way ;)

  2. Wow. Your workplace sounds cah-razy! With all that going on, plus the deceptive friend, plus the pregnant-by-a-married-man-but-still-fawned-over niece, plus not feeling well, I think it's completely understandable that you'd be feeling depressed. Who wouldn't under those conditions?

    I hope things improve soon, somehow.

  3. Document, Document, Document everything that goes on at work. Bring it to your HR. If they don't do anything about it you have the right to go to a lawyer. It sounds like the beginnings of a hostile work environment. I really hope for your sake that I'm incredibly wrong but sadly I've been in the same position. The last thing you need is to deal with this type of behavior from co-workers when you should be excited about your new bundle of joy.

    As for your depression, YOU DESERVE THIS BABY, don't let anyone take that confidence you must have had prior to making this decision. Sending you a virtual hug.

  4. If the sickness doesn't get better soon, please ask your OB for a prescription for something - there are things you can take that are perfectly safe and will make you feel SO much better! Keep reminding yourself that this will all be worth it when you're holding your little one in your arms.

    When you're feeling up to it, give me a call to arrange a visit. A little newborn therapy might make you feel better, too!

  5. I was trying to decide if you work in kindergarten then I realized it's probably more like grade 8. Good grief, your colleagues are immature.

    Hang in there. Things must improve on all fronts.

  6. I am appalled by the behavior of your colleagues at work. I am convinced the higher up the corporate food chain you go the more psychopaths you'll find. It sounds like you have a whole nest of them! Document everything and try to ignore them. btw, I think the awful woman with million$ should quit!

    I would have also felt deceived by the pseudo SMC. Pose much? Sorry that happened to you.

    Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

  7. I'm sorry you're having such difficulties. I wish I had the answers for you. Glad you get to have a nice visit with your mother next week.