I apologize because I have not been posting or keeping up with reading everyone's blogs. Sadly I just seem to have lost a lot of the joy I used to find in reading them. Its just that when you feel like throwing up, nothing really seams to matter. Every once in a while I have a better day or few hours, but life has been a Real Huge Struggle. Thank God I have a super easy job, which has enabled numerous afternoon sleepovers with my dog close by my side. But in actual fact I realize I hate going to work.
When life gets tough, sadly its never just one thing that goes wrong - its FIVE things, all wrong together - and it makes me wonder if I don't deserve it - or bring it on myself in some way. And of course upsettingly there seems to be a theme - issues with friends, colleagues and jealousy.
Firstly, I realize must be depressed - even though I keep telling myself how happy I am to be pregnant - that I didn't have to do IVF, but in reality I would do anything just to feel well and have some really good friends.
Secondly, a colleague who has been really rather nasty to me for the past three years, is pregnant, not that she told Me - but Why does she have to be pregnant at the same time as me? It will be the two of us pregnant at work together. She is 18 weeks and hardly showing, she has had all the tests and knows she is having a healthy baby. I overheard her saying in tones of disgust "We didn't need ANY help getting pregnant." I can't control my feelings. I am jealous as hell. She has tons of friends, a wonderful husband, recently (and very publicly) inherited millions of dollars, and she frequently gives parties to which our whole company is invited (except me and one other perfectly nice colleague who actually lives across the road from her house). When she needs my help, she will have someone else ask me for the favor, and then treat me like shit.
In addition I was at work earlier this week, and was required to give (some very mild) feedback to a colleague. His retort was to go to management and accuse me, of hitting and kicking him. Management did clearly not take the accusation seriously - but nor did they seem to have any problem with him making up stories. Another colleague, who was completely uninvolved in any part of this, took up this guy's case, so much so, that she publicly yelled at me and said "if you ever hit or kick anyone again - the whole team has been given the authority to hit and kick you back together". I was so shocked and stunned, (and obviously did not believe for a moment that any legitimate workplace advice could be to attack someone.) The timing was such that without saying the field in which I work - it was absolutely impossible to respond. So I sat down, completely shocked that anyone could believe I would ever attack someone (let alone a very tall athletic man), and we all resumed our work. Of course now I have decided to document with a paper trail, but why do I have to work with people who belong in kindergarten? I want to quit. After I get my maternity leave.
Lastly, I have really enjoyed getting to know other Single Mothers by Choice in my small town. In early december I got to know a new SMC. We met a few times, and spoke regularly on the phone and were in fairly close contact. Latterly she had failed to respond to a couple of group invitations and a phone call, so she did not hear that I am now pregnant. Yesterday she called to tell me in a rather distracted manner that she too is pregnant. I was delighted for her, until I realized that she has been pregnant since the beginning of the YEAR. She is 19 weeks, knows she is having a healthy boy, the donor of her boy is her EX husband - so she has a man to pay child support, and a father for her son. I just feel so deceived. All those times she called to know if I got my BFP, all the mean while she was lying to me. What is the point in being friendly to someone who does not trust me enough to share their good news, who consistently lies to me "Oh no, I got my period, I must make that appointment at CCRM" and then doesn't think there its anything unusual. I expect she only told me so I can be invited to give a gift for her baby shower.
And Really Lastly. My niece is pregnant with a Billionaire. I have been assured by her father that the pregnancy was planned - but seemingly to me it was badly planned because she is five months, and he is still married to someone else. Either way it seems to me she will do quite well out of it. Everyone is being So supportive of her - people are flying in from Paris and around the world to help with the baby etc. And to top it off - I have been informed that her son's name - Is the very one I had picked out should I have a son. Well now there will be TWO !
Fortunately I get to visit my mother next week, which Could be great, or not, but anyway the scene change, and escape from work will be very welcome.