One thing after the next

 Shortly after my surgery , the au pair having departed I noticed something was up with our extremely lovely nanny.  She didn't seem to want to go home - I wondered is she was lonely, if everything was Ok at home.  The next week she quit, on a tuesday in the middle of the day.  I had asked her not to give juice to Sage and not to buy her gifts (every time they went somewhere).  Nanny said I was being too controlling of recent, and that was that.

As luck would have it, our guardian angel stepped in and somehow I was able to make it thru the week without missing any work.

Three weeks later the new au pair arrived.  I must not be good a choosing - but I guess its  crazy idea to choose anyone over the internet to play with a pre verbal child.  She likes to watch the child - but not play with her, and stated that in her country children are much more advanced because they can "play by themselves."

With over two thousand hours of experience, she also managed to put on the first diaper back to front.  When I handed her Sage saying "needs a diaper change - clothes changed because of paint from messy art and a face wash - None of the above happened.  Apparently the one a three quarter year old said she didn't want any changing and this was accepted!

Sage does not seem happy with her, the au pair assures me the only problem is when I am home.  I do not trust her.

  Better news is that I happened on finding a lady to read my palm.  I said I was worried she would say stuff about my future, that would freak me out - that I would not be able to change. She said the only things that are set, in this life are the children we will have.  I thought I acted like it was no big deal and sat down to have my hand read.

She told me lots of things I know to be true about myself.  Then she asked if Sage was my only child, and said "are you single? how old are you (nearly 43) hmm - because it looks as though by this time next year you will already have - or be heavily pregnant with another baby - most likely a boy."

After that I was so extremely happy - the fact she told me I would move house within a couple of years to a new city - because of a much better job - and meet a man - was almost no big deal!

On the TTC front, Sage is STILL breast feeding - Occasionally we find things such as alligator and camel milk in the refrigerator to encourage less dependence on me - but with all the changes at home it has been hard to wean.  I still find it difficult to sleep properly at night (not because of the feeding but because of insomnia), and my tongue looks awful (geographic tongue).  I am connived that these symptoms both need to improve before I can get pregnant.

I found a new acupuncturist who said my pulse was So awful I could not get pregnant anyway at the moment - so I waited to yet another cycle, and am going three times a week for treatment , to see how much better I can get.

doubting my decisions

Two weeks ago our long awaited new au pair arrived.  It became apparent within minutes that although she is a lovely girl she has absolutely no interest in children, and no ability to play with Sage.  It took five days for me to let the agency know there was no hope, and a further two weeks to get her gone.  In addition to this she had absolutely no money (to buy tampax, or get our of the house and do anything), The agency refused to give her any, so I found myself paying her for a job she was not able to do.  Sage refused to be left with her even for 5 minutes.  The agency have placed her with a family of three children under 6.

On the night she left I burnt my hand, and was in excruciating pain.  The only adult in the house, in horrendous pain and one handed, I found it impossible to cope.  I had to call out the nanny at 11pm on a sunday, and was only extremely thankful that I have one child instead of two.

Then somehow I managed to come down with a slight cold, I had been warding it off for ages, but then it got me.  Everything was a struggle.  I enjoyed nothing.  I kept thinking "oh no I have all of Sunday to get through by myself, another hour before we can retire to bed".  I realized that I don't think I have really been sick for ages, and when I was I had another adult living in the house.  

In addition, I met up with a friend for lunch.  Some time back she had been asking me what it was like to become a mother.  I just love it of course.  She clearly had reservations about getting pregnant but her husband was pushing her to try.  To cut the story short, we met for sushi.  She seemed a little different.  She told me she was definitely not pregnant, I was not so sure, even though she told me she had taken two tests and got a negative.  She is an ultra smart girl. 

She is of course pregnant on her first try - and in my opinion every time I see her it seems to me she is trying to hold back tears - she is so worried, shocked and - not wanting to be pregnant, but not willing to accept that she has been married to a man for 5 years, and making him wait for something she never really wanted.

I had my polyp removal surgery yesterday.  An uncomplicated procedure, all went smoothly.  I was supposed to have only taken 3 ibuprofen which in my opinion would have been quite adequate.  Instead I was given twilight anesthesia which was fine.  Only problem was as I entered the outpatients facility, they told me total cost for procedure was going to be $20 000, and I have a deductible (thanks to out new insurance) of $6 000.

Also my doc decided to use the one local anesthetic that I told her I don't do well with, even though it was plastered all over my paperwork, and we had discussed it before.

Oh and there were no polyps, just scar tissue (probably from the surgery she did before to remove the other polyp) "And some little white dots, I'm not sure what they are."  So none of this made me feel too good.  I should have had another doc do the surgery.  

I just really don't know how I could handle another child, something about seeing my good friend in tears over finding herself pregnant, may have been catching.  Never thought I could change my mind like this.  Also i guess i realize it means I have to this time wean my daughter - all she talks about is Mama milk - and the thought that I probably won't get pregnant anyway, and if I did i might be so sick I couldn't cope

surgery is awesome news!

Having tried 3 natural IUIs with No success my mother was  insisting that there "must" be something wrong - not with my eggs (age 42.5) or with my hugely elevated FSH (around 17) or my lack of AMH (0.16) but with my uterus.  We did do a few ultrasounds mid cycle which showed nothing - and apparently polyps do not return too frequently!

Before I got pregnant with Sage I had 3 failed IUIs and then we found the uterine polyp - and Sage implanted on the next try.  So my mother insisted I must have another polyp.  At my last check in with Doc uncommunicative I requested a sonohystogram - Uterus filled with water on ultrasound.

Today we found a polyp just as my mother suggested.  Makes me feel so much more hopeful.  The Doc said she would try and fit me in her operating schedule on Wednesday, failing that after my next period.

She also said I could try the surgery without general anesthetic - I assured her that last time I lost my memory for weeks and didn't want to go through that again.  I asked her how much worse it could be than natural child birth?  She thought not - and will only last about 20 minutes.  I do plan to take 3 ibuprofen - and we might try to have an anesthetist on hand that is used to routinely doing  epidural!

Other news, we moved house at the weekend- to a better school district (and I have to get my moneys worth and make sure I get my second child).  The new house is the thing of which many people could only dream.  I woke up and saw three Bambi in the garden.

Two neighbors came over with gifts fitting a movie script.  One of these included 10 different gifts all of which I adored, cheese plate, crackers (gluten free) cheese board of the most gorgeous wood, cheese knives,  honey, honey dish, honey dispenser, gorgeous woven basket,  divine grapes, raspberries, and a gift for my daughter.

Back to unpacking boxes, and trying to get the printer to work!

Dr Uncommunicative changes her tune!

Apparently miracles do happen!  She talked, she listened, she explained, she debated.  After all the efforts I had made to switch to the other clinic in town, I have decided to stay put.

I even learned something new, because I requested that they split my donor vials of sperm so I could do double the amount of "try's" before I run out of Sage's donor.  

Every time I have gone in for my insemination they have given me a sperm count - 27 million, 75 million, etc.   But what they were actually quoting me, was sperm per unit (centiliter ?) - and in a vial there is only half a unit.   The time they told me 20 million was actually only 19 and a half - so I was delivered less than 10 million sperm and would have qualified for a rebate from the sperm bank - because they are supposed to deliver a minimum of 10 million!

So i had to explain the importance of communication.  I then went forth and told her how in this regard I should actually explain that when I got pregnant with Sage - I didn't exactly take the drugs quite how they were prescribed - and gave my reasonings.  She took it great, and with interest.

I explained how I took only 2.5 mg or femara rather than 5,  earlier injections of gonal F (didn't say I had consulted with 3 other RE's), and my reasonings for wishing to take less ovarial next time (I felt it nearly caused my ovaries to hemorrhage.)  I then explained how I believed that the progesterone supplementation had not been good for me - she agreed to test me when / if I get pregnant, and supplement me with some other form of progesterone should I need it.

The whole visit was extraordinary.  I don't know What has happened in her life to make her so different, but I liked it and decided to go with the flow.  We also ended on a very upscale note when she explained to me how important it was that I do stop doing natural cycles because of the percentage  of people she see's with no obvious reason for infertility, and the first time they do a medicated cycle they get pregnant.  She explained how the boosting of the hormones increases  the blood flow, and just makes it happen!

I felt very lucky because so many of my SMC friends get the "oh you are old your eggs aren't going to work" speech.  I know I am 42 - and that I will go to donor egg if my two medicated cycles don't work (still debating an IVF).  But I might as well be positive till I see how it works out.

The the icing on the cake - was that my clinic is very soon going to be partnering with one of the largest donor egg banks in the world - so I won't even have to leave town for a donor egg cycle!

The only thing holding me back at the moment is that I am packing boxes and having a very stressful time moving house.  I could write a whole blog on this alone - but i won't bore you guys with it here.  The only thing it means, is that I am actually quite pleased to be sitting out another cycle, so i can not be quite as stressed.

Had a 36 hours of hell, and then suddenly the world shifted and everything seems like it will be OK.

13 days post IUI - regroup

My mother refuses to believe that I am not pregnant!  I suppose it should make me happy, she still has hope where there is none. (But it just makes me a little concerned about her - she is 82 and not quite herself lately).

I took a pregnancy test with my breast milk - just for fun - and to see another false positive.

I feel strangely accepting of this cycle not working out, and have decided not to doubt physical symptoms I felt, but I am pleased to say, I now have a very pain free period - after all the pains I felt for the last days.  Weird.

Yesterday I had a play date with a very "granola" friend.  She was so funny because she just said point blank.  "Completely wean and take drugs!"  Turns out that's what she had to do after 3 years of marriage - with no discovered infertility problem with either her or her husband,  and their first medicated IUI worked.  She has told no one.  Why are people so secretive about getting fertility help?

I also suddenly realized that I have absolutely no confidence in my doctor (I can't really make sensible decisions about protocol) and so i have decided to switch clinics.  It Turns out the first available new patient appointment at the other clinic is at the end of september.  I will call in every day for a cancellation.  I'm not waiting that long - it would put me doing an IUI in early november!

Finally if I have to do another cycle while I wait to switch clinics - I am worried about running out of vials (I have a good number - but there are absolutely no more when these are done.)  I was reading something on the internet about splitting a vial.  My donor consistently has more than 20 000 swimmers - why could I not use half - It's just I don't trust my doctor to get the right day - and when I got pregnant with Sage ended up using two vials to cover our bases.  I don't have enough to do this again.

I spoke to someone at my bank who said they had never even heard of this (and seemed rather annoyed at me).  Such a pity because every other time I have called, they have really excelled themselves.  One time they even had me talk to the head of their  sperm research.  Too bad I forgot his name!

11 days post IUI Oh My.....

For some reason after I had explained to my mother how ridiculous it would be to test, I noticed Sage was engrossed in a baby signing time video, and I decided it might be an idea to take one anyway.

I managed to find my last first response test - stuck in with a packet of ovulation predictor tests.
I peed.  I watched the color move across the strip, and there before my eyes two faint pink lines appeared.  I was ecstatic.  I cried, out of relief and happiness, texted a few friends, was about to call my mother to tell her the good news, when instinct told me not to.

Last time this happened I got my period.  I was just thinking about posting on this blog - when it occurred to me there was something slightly different about the test.  I couldn't put my finger on it. Perhaps they had changed something.  Turns out it wasn't a pregnancy test at all - only some give away fertility test measuring FSH.

What an idiot I am - but why would they make the tests nearly identical?  It should say NOT at pregnancy test all over it!  I can't be the first person to make this mistake.

I took a real test after that - and results don't look good!

10 days post IUI

Feeling a little hopeful.  No period in sight, still pains though. No queazy feeling in the last 36 hours.  Sore tits.

My mother just called from UK to say could I "please test immediately" because she simply has to know "right now" so she can make her plans! What the XXXX

I am not testing yet because it wouldn't tell me anything conclusive.  On 9 days post IUI on a previous cycle, I had the very faintest positive only to be followed the next day by a very painful period.

Now is the time I start to barter with god - If you....   I will....