Visiting the Mother

I was surprised I even made it to London.  The day before the flight I felt so sick I could hardly move from my bed – except to make it to the bathroom to throw up.  I don’t know how I managed to pack, but somehow it got done.  Driving to the airport I learnt an important lesson.  Stop the car Before you start to throw up out the window, otherwise it’s hard to stay on the road!  When you do manage to pull over to the side to throw, remember to take the keys out of the car and close the door otherwise anyone could drive away with the car!

Although two doctors I greatly trust told me to keep taking the progesterone to 10 weeks, my RE for whom I have less respect told me I could stop at 8.5   In actual fact the last doses were just impossible for me to take – I was so ill – I finally figured that if I was feeling this sick, there couldn’t be too many problems with too Few hormones and stopped just before 9 weeks.  My cramping ceased, and for quite some time I was worried that something might have gone very wrong!  Thankfully I found out on my return that all is still just as it should be.

London seemed smaller and quainter than I had noticed it before.  The buildings appeared so cute, tiny and squished together.  Even my mother’s front door seemed smaller – or perhaps I was bigger, and then it seemed like I could hardly even fit in the bath.  On meeting my second oldest friend she exclaimed uncertainly “you look different somehow– are you Bigger? ”   Well at least I know she’s honest!

Actually I made a mess up of telling her I was pregnant.  It has been two years since we last met, and so I started to tell her about my decision to use a donor.  Before I had a chance to really explain my thinking, I heard her saying “Sarah – don’t you EVER do that – promise me you wont.”  Then I was in the difficult position of telling her I already had and was pregnant!  In actually fact she was great, and pulled up her socks up extremely quickly!  She was very happy for me – even if she was a little horrified. 

In future I am going to do things differently and just Announce how happy am to be pregnant – and then the listener will know they are not allowed to express their disapproval.  In retrospect it was rather funny.

My mother seemed to have taken my being pregnant Surprisingly Seriously.  At  supper when I asked for soya sauce, she explained that she had gone through ALL the cupboards and thrown out everything that was out of date – the soya sauce had apparently expired in 2005!  I hope now everyone will believe me when I say that up until this pregnancy I had a stomach of proven steel!

I had a wonderful visit with my Oldest friend.  She cried when I told her my Good News, and even managed to produce an black maternity dress that fitted me perfectly.

Shopping in London was Fabulous – because I was not scared of bumping into anyone from work (in a baby store.)  Bringing home bags labeled Mamas and Papas was a little more tricky – I did have to hide behind a tree to avoid a neighbor – but other than that I was fine!   I hit all the maternity stores, and found remarkably little choice – but managed to come home with two fabulous pairs of maternity jeans.  Until this point I had not realized the strain and discomfort of trying to still squeeze into trousers that really were too small!  There is nothing that feels so good as a great fitting pair of jeans!  This was the day I realized that my first trimester depression and exhaustion had truly disappeared!

My mother insisted that I get fitted for a new bra. My normal size is 34 C.  It turns out I have grown 3 sizes already!  The bra specialist assured me “You’ll be a 34 Double G by the time you milk comes in!”  I am beginning to think that perhaps one really can have too much of a good thing!

As well as having a very full bust I seemed to have had a very full schedule in London too.  One day I decided to visit my favorite museum  - the National Gallery 1200- 1500.  Of course my mother then came up with two other exhibitions that could not be missed – so somehow – the National Gallery got left for my next visit!

I saw the English Acupuncturist who took one look at my tongue and exclaimed that I must have been  shockingly ill with morning sickness (no surprises there) and she informed me very nicely that my US acupuncturist must have been doing a dreadful job.  Apparently it transpires the US acupuncturist had mixed up two of the needle points – and was giving me one that is counter indicated in pregnancy! – So much for cheap acupuncture!

She also informed me that I am having a BOY (This is so SO exciting – but at this point I would have been excited if she had told me I was having a DOG!)   She explained that as I was (then) only 9.5 weeks she could only be 90% certain.  She is almost always accurate at 12 weeks!  Somehow with hearing this news, and feeling SO much better, I have begun to actually believe that I might really have a baby at Christmas!  

I will just be incredibly shocked if “the project” turns out to be a girl!

Life Changing Week

I have just come to the end of a most extraordinary week at the Institutes for the Achievement of Human Potential in Philadelphia.  Sometime before Christmas I read an amazing book - which in every language other than English is called "Your baby is a Genius" - sadly in the US it is titled "How smart is your baby" - an unfortunate title which sadly puts many people off reading this wonderful book by Janet Doman.

The Institutes (for the Achievement of Human Potential) work primarily with helping severely brain injured children - including Downs children, with recovering  and regaining their full abilities so that they are able to live a completely normal life.   For example one of their students with Downs students, recently completed his masters in economics!

Their belief - for which they have full scientific evidence, is that the brain grows with use, and that the child's physical development is intricately connected and influences what is possible of the brain.  They specifically feel that the the developing child should spend as much time as possible crawling and creeping on the floor (or a clean smooth firm surface). ((This also has the added advantage that your child will sleep better!)) Humans are the only animal (save household pets) that would ever consider sleeping on their backs).  For those of you worried about Sids (which I was originally) - they explained that in the original study which caused the great stir - three out of five of the babies who were thought to have died or sids, were actually found later to have been murdered.  Of course they also had tons of other  scientific papers - which I have yet to read.

It was such a remarkable week.  The staff were so loving, helping each parent to do the best for their child.  They showed demonstrations of their "normal - able children"  - which included a beautiful gymnastics display - 7 year olds acting Shakespeare - suzuki violin playing - Kids learning japanese  - a three year old running a mile faster than I could, and a one year old who was reading full (simple) sentences, as well as the brain injured children overcoming remarkable challenges.

They told us simple things we could do which would make a huge difference in the lives of our children, like at birth taking your child into a black room and turning on the light for about a second and saying "light," then turning off the light for 4 seconds and doing the same 9 more times, three times a day.  This strengthens the visual pathway into the brain, enabling the child to be able to focus the eyes and see much earlier, than if they had not had this experience.

I was also extremely impressed that The Institutes had based their findings on children from across the world, from different civilization with different experiences, with scientists and learned people from across the globe adding to their research.  They have been doing their work for over 50 years.  I can't believe that more people don't know about them.

I should also add that the other parents were just lovely. They were those, who really wanted the best for their child.  About nine of them were still pregnant (Including ME - I just made it to 12 weeks now!)

Please if you know anyone with a brain injured child, let them know about the Institutes - and if you want to help your child of any age learn easier (or if you have something like dyslexia in your family like I do) -  check them out!

Now that I have stopped taking progesterone I have started feeling a whole lot better - and plan to do some "catch up posts" - beginning with my trip to london to visit my mother!  

Best chicken soup ever - oh so easy!

I want to thank everyone for their comments.  It means so much to me to know that there really are wonderful people out there and that you understood me.

I wanted to write a really positive post (for a change).  I am not really a cook, but I am so proud of this super easy recipe, discovered / explained to me by my mom.  There are just two Magic ingredients, and once you know them, you can make a chicken soup which would make any Jewish mama proud!

Firstly, it helps if everything is organic and if you have at least two hours and HUGE pot.  But I have made it very satisfactorily with none of the above.  Prep time is about 7-10 minutes (depending on how sharp your scissors are for skinning the chicken).  Veggies can be cut in very large lumps.

Then you need the usual ingredients like chicken drumsticks (cut off the skin), onions, garlic, carrots, mushrooms (I like shiitake) and any other choice of veggie you wish, in your pot with plenty of water and set to simmer.

To this mix you also add the TWO Magic ingredients.  A few chunks of the rind of a cheese like peccorino or parmesan, (if you don't have the rind you can also use  a few lumps of the cheese) and a WHOLE lemon.  With a grater, drop the zest of your lemon in the pot with all the other ingredients, then slice the lemon/s, (being sure to cut off and disgard any pith), and then drop the slices too into the pot, just as you would with any other vegetable.

No need for a stock cube, but you can add some if you wish. Add more salt than pepper (and possibly braggs liquid aminos - it's like soya sauce).  Boil for two hours! (but this should taste good after just an hour).  Add extra salt and extra lemon juice if necessary.

Then if you wish, you can thicken the broth with either cous cous or some other grain / rice.  Enjoy!

As for quantities, you will always wish you had more broth and more veggies!  If anyone has any additional suggestions - please do share!

Outrageous Hormones - horrible feelings

I apologize because I have not been posting or keeping up with reading everyone's blogs.  Sadly I just seem to have lost a lot of the joy I used to find in reading them.  Its just that when you feel like throwing up, nothing really seams to matter.  Every once in a while I have a better day or few hours, but life has been a Real Huge Struggle.  Thank God I have a super easy job, which has enabled numerous afternoon sleepovers with my dog close by my side.  But in actual fact I realize I hate going to work.

When life gets tough, sadly its never just one thing that goes wrong - its FIVE things, all wrong together - and it makes me wonder if I don't deserve it - or bring it on myself in some way.   And of course upsettingly there seems to be a theme - issues with friends, colleagues and jealousy.

Firstly, I realize must be depressed - even though I keep telling myself how happy I am to be pregnant - that I didn't have to do IVF, but in reality I would do anything just to feel well and have some really good friends.

Secondly, a colleague who has been really rather nasty to me for the past three years, is pregnant, not that she told Me - but Why does she have to be pregnant at the same time as me? It will be the two of us pregnant at work together.  She is 18 weeks and hardly showing, she has had all the tests and knows she is having a healthy baby.  I overheard her saying in tones of disgust "We didn't need ANY help getting pregnant." I can't control my feelings.  I am jealous as hell.  She has tons of friends, a wonderful husband, recently (and very publicly) inherited millions of dollars, and she frequently gives parties to which our whole company is invited (except me and one other perfectly nice colleague who actually lives across the road from her house).  When she needs my help, she will have someone else ask me for the favor, and then treat me like shit.

In addition I was at work earlier this week, and was required to give (some very mild) feedback to a colleague.  His retort was to go to management and accuse me, of hitting and kicking him.  Management did clearly not take the accusation seriously - but nor did they seem to have any problem with him making up stories.  Another colleague, who was completely uninvolved in any part of this, took up this guy's case, so much so, that she publicly yelled at me and said "if you ever hit or kick anyone again - the whole team has been given the authority to hit and kick you back together".  I was so shocked and stunned, (and obviously did not believe for a moment that any legitimate workplace advice could be to attack someone.)  The timing was such that without saying the field in which I work - it was absolutely impossible to respond.  So I sat down, completely shocked that anyone could believe I would ever attack someone (let alone a very tall athletic man),  and we all resumed our work.  Of course now I have decided to document with a paper trail, but why do I have to work with people who belong in kindergarten?  I want to quit.  After I get my maternity leave.

Lastly, I have really enjoyed getting to know other Single Mothers by Choice in my small town.  In early december I got to know a new SMC.  We met a few times, and spoke regularly on the phone and were in fairly close contact.  Latterly she had failed to respond to a couple of group invitations and a phone call, so she did not hear that I am now pregnant.  Yesterday she called to tell me in a rather distracted manner that she too is pregnant.  I was delighted for her, until I realized that she has been pregnant since the beginning of the YEAR.  She is 19 weeks, knows she is having a healthy boy, the donor of her boy is her EX husband - so she has a man to pay child support, and a father for her son.  I just feel so deceived. All those times she called to know if I got my BFP, all the mean while she was lying to me.  What is the point in being friendly to someone who does not trust me enough to share their good news, who consistently lies to me "Oh no,  I got my period,  I must make that appointment at CCRM" and then doesn't think there its anything unusual.  I expect she only told me so I can be invited to give a gift for her baby shower.

And Really Lastly.  My niece is pregnant with a Billionaire.  I have been assured by her father that the pregnancy was planned - but seemingly to me it was badly planned because she is five months, and he is still married to someone else.  Either way it seems to me she will do quite well out of it.  Everyone is being So supportive of her - people are flying in from Paris and around the world to help with the baby etc.  And to top it off - I have been informed that her son's name - Is the very one I had picked out should I have a son.  Well now there will be TWO !

Fortunately I get to visit my mother next week, which Could be great, or not, but anyway the scene change, and escape from work will be very welcome.

7 weeks 4 days utrasound

I was so nervous about this first ultrasound I could not fall asleep for my obligatory 3 hour afternoon nap.  The doc was late but finally arrived and she got her magic wand in place.

Truth be told I have been feeling so awful recently, that I have sworn to myself that I will never ever try to get pregnant again.  There is just something about feeling constantly sick and exhausted that makes any life seem unnecessary and pointless.  I think I may also have been a little depressed.  I have spent most of my hours lying asleep in bed or comatose in front of the TV or trying to think of ways to avoid doing anything.

My only other activity has been that of praying for TWINS - call me naive - I know they are a huge amount of work.  And I have just figured out that if there was a fire in my house - it would be very difficult to run out of the house Fast with Two babies.

Anyway - It seems God has better sense than I did.  It appears that I have One Healthy Baby - I am greatly relieved - and it may even arrive in time for Christmas.  My mom says I should be extremely thankful I got such a cheap blessing - total costs so far (excluding unused sperm in storage) - is only $3700.  I am SO happy I didn't have to pay for IVF.  But it is such a pity I didnt have three - one for keeps - one to give away - and one to sell on ebay!

I am of course so overjoyed to know my dream of being a mother is coming true - Dr Uncommunicative wants to see me again in two weeks, which will be just a week before my nuchal scan - I can only imagine it's about the money.  She did manage to tell me though that the heart rate was normal at 161 - and give me two ultrasound photos.  However for anyone not experienced in these sort of things - it really does look like a receipt from the supermarket gone wrong - so much so that BABY has to be labelled - you would not know it  otherwise.  None the less I am growing very fond of the photos - and no doubt in a few days I with own nothing with more sentimental value!

In the mean while, it all seems so unbelievable.  Actually the last few days have been feeling substantially better and I have found that ice cream  definitely reduces the nausea - and remarkably I still have one pair of jeans that fit me just fine - but not for long I think!

early pregnancy symptoms / worry

My mother assures me that when I was in her tommy, she did not have Even ONE day feeling under the weather - despite spending hours jumping around on ski slopes!  I have not been so lucky.  I am now about 5 weeks and 4 or 5 days, and for some time now, have felt generally nauseated, famished and exhausted most if the time (and I only seem to want to eat lemon and pepper chicken!)

I am convinced that I actually felt the conception - not in my tommy, but in the form of a "sizzle in the tit" specifically in my left tit!  Needless to say my tits have been Extremely painful from the very beginning.  Yesterday I had to lie down at the chiropractor, and had to restrain myself from squealing when he pressed down on my shoulder blades - because my tits were being SO squished!

At five days after home insemination, I felt what I think was implantation / boring into my uterus.  The following day I had a speck of brown blood. And the subsequent day I felt more boring / digging into my uterus at the exact same place, So I figured my embryo was getting a good hold onto life, but now I am wondering - could there be two!  After all I did have two big O's !

My first HCG at 11 or 12 days post ovulation was 38.4, my second at 20 / 21 was over 3000.  The nurse said "congratulations - I guess the holiday did you some good." That evening I was having so many cramps I began to worry whether something might be wrong, only to wake up the next morning and find that I felt perfectly normal - and definitely felt NOT pregnant, and the urge to urinate and the "plugged up feeling" had gone. 

I was so relieved to hear that they would do a third beta (which actually was quite unnecessary) but it calmed me down NO END to get another set of good results.  I guess each day brings something different.  Day 24 / 25  beta over was over 15 000.  So now I realize that with pregnancy there is ALWAYS something to worry about.  Too much pain - no pain - exhaustion.  And now,  I checked my beta values and found that although they fall within the upper ranges of singleton - they are higher than average for twins - and bang on average for triplets!!!

Oh Dear God - "Give me one baby or two, but NOT Triplets!"  I warn everyone now, I will do some very awful things if there are Three in my tommy.  I have only two hands, two bank accounts, and two tits!!

I want to thank everyone for their comments on my last post.  Now, when I bump into my Dog's best friend's mother,  I will have the self confidence to smile, wave hello - and walk boldly on!

In conclusion to the last post, she actually called and left a phone message, which it took me 3 days to summon the courage to listen to.  She said "HI Sarah, I just want to to know, I really do hope you have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, and I Hope it's Everything you Think you Wanted, but I really can't handle your  passive aggressive personality, so Good LUCK to you.... Click"

Thanks so much to everyone for their support, I understand now that she must be extremely unhappy - and probably she wants a baby of her own, but doesn't realize it.  Fortunately, she has ended our friendship, so we can both make space for something more rewarding!

When the Best Friend Reacts Badly!

Truth be said - she is actually my dog's Best Friend's Mother, but we frequently walk the dogs around the neighborhood, such that I feel she is or aught to be one of My best friends.  In fact, she has been more a part of my TTC discussions than anyone except my mother.

As we have both been out of town for some weeks, Friday was the first time I actually got to tell her that I am Pregnant.  Thinking back, she has been very kind to me - an excellent chef, she has taught me to make a number of "Mummy dishes" so that I can be able to cook something my child one day might wish to eat, and she has often baby sat my dog.

I suppose there were a couple of signs that she was not particularly happy for me to try to get pregnant.  I remember the day she told me just after my first IUI "Who knows - you might find they mixed up the sperm, you could be giving birth to a Black baby" to which I said, "That would be just fine - at least I would know that whatever sperm the bank sent, it comes from a super healthy, smart college grad - and the baby will be genetically mine.  But the couple down the road (who did IVF) They could potentially find out that neither of their (gorgeous) twins are theirs at all.  They might belong to another couple entirely!" And thankfully that was the end of that.  I have to admit, I was SO relieved that I never told her about my donor freak out! (About his high forehead and need of a makeover!)

Then there was the time when she said to me, "I don't even know if you will be a good mother - You told me you might not bother buying a crib ((no because I might be lent one - and I do have some odd ideas about child rearing - but obviously will make sure my child is safe)) And you said that if you don't like the way your kids looks when it arrives, you will donate it to GoodWill" - This is actually is true, but I thought anyone would know I was kidding!

After I had heard her latest holiday news, I shared my BIG News.  I heard her saying "I hope you don't think you can replace the love of a Husband with that of a Baby!"  Trying to keep things light hearted, I commented that I wouldn't have to, because I had already replaced it with the love of my DOG.  She did not seem satisfied and said "Well I hope you have a lot of money saved for therapy - because you're going to need it!"  She continued her ruminations, such that I felt bound to say "Well actually there's no way to know What love replaces What - because you don't have a baby in your tommy - and I don't have a husband - so there is no way to compare."

Then she started to say "And what are you going to tell people - about the father - you've GOT to be honest."  The weird thing is that I could understand someone asking me all these questions if this was the first time they had heard of me wanting a baby - but she has been part of the process since well before the beginning! So I said "Well I can say whatever I want - actually it is fairly rude for people to ask - so I might just say I have no idea who he is, whatsoever!"  She then said "You will Have to tell them the Truth - you will have to say - """I couldn't get a steady relationship and I was getting SO old I decided to get myself inseminated""" you HAVE to be honest".  At this point I must admit I was getting really annoyed and I couldn't understand why she would ever think that I would lie - as I am not someone who ever lies.

I guess I was running out of answers, so I said "well I could always ask them for details about their father (as it really is none of their business) - or I could tell them I ordered a vial over the internet" She said "Well their father will actually Have a name, and your child's father doesn't"  Then she actually continued - "Look at how you turned out, with what your mother told you about Your Father" At this point I was really annoyed but tried to keep calm, so said "Well actually my mother has never lied to me - and if you don't mind me saying so, I think I've turned out - just fine"

Now a normal person would probably have left the conversation at this point - but like an idiot I stayed - and brought up less inflammatory topics.  We managed to keep walking a further quarter mile or so, until  we came to a small hill.  At this point I started to feel a little odd / faint / and feel some sort of pressure in places I won't mention, and so sat down for a few minutes under a tree.

Instead of her saying "Are you OK" she said "Well if you're going to start acting Like That, People are going to start asking" and like an idiot I said "Not if you help me think up some really good excuses."  A moment later still immersed in a very unpleasant conversation, we bumped into some neighbors,  and finally I had the good sense to wave good bye, and go on home by my self.  Only when I had arrived home, did it dawn on me that she had never once said Congratulations.

The only explanation I can think of - Is that despite what she has always said (in the four years I have know her) - SHE Wants a Baby!   I am never walking my dog with her again - at least not until she finds a better mood.  The problem is, we keep bumping in to each other - and our dogs just  Love each other!

PS I want to thank everyone for their Lovely Lovely, encouraging and wonderful comments - And Many thanks for my Versatile Blogger Award! -BTW my Second beta test got great numbers and I am currently preparing another post about various gossip that was not relevant to this post!