Trying for baby no 2, 6th cycle, 3rd IUI

Seed planted!  For some odd reason, perhaps its all the acupuncture I've been doing, I managed to ovulate exactly day 13/14 instead of day 22/23.  In fact I nearly missed the day entirely as I didn't think to POS.  I went running into the RE's office thinking I was too late but they did blood test and an ultrasound and told me today was the day!
Fingers crossed.
I feel nothing so far - except more crampiness and bloating than usual, because I have run out of my donors IUI samples and now have to use the ICI vials - which means an additional $300 for washing - and bigger sample volume.  How naive I was to think that I would be doing this at home all by myself.  At least though I had the foresight to invest in a large number of vials - and know that the Bank will buy any left in they storage back at half price.
Now friends - Prayers please!

The irony of life

I was sitting in the jacuzzi a couple of nights ago, and a very smiley (and extremely large) lady got in beside me - no clothes on.  I tried to look the pother way, but very soon we got talking.  I told her I had to be back home soon to let the sitter go - and that I am trying for baby number 2.  She explained how hard it was as a single mother, I thought I understood until she said that at her house she had 6 kids!

She told me "You know I am 40 years old, and in december I was pregnant again!  but I lost the baby....... - It was such a blessing!  I didn't realize it then, but I do now because I just found I am pregnant again.  I'm always pregnant.   I wouldn't normally sit in a jacuzzi you know, but I don't know how I could cope with another, my baby is only four, and I don't have the money to pay for an abortion."

Life is so weird, I really felt for her situation.  I found myself wondering if I should offer to help her pay for it - then i got totally confused, I don't even approve of it.  But what sort of life would the child have. One person prays to be pregnant while the next prays not to be.  It was a some sort of life test I suppose. But I went home questioning why life is like this.

The quickest way to get pregnant

I have always been a big believer in Sod's Law.  So when I confront my difficulties in getting pregnant I wanted to tackle the issue from all angles - including sod's law.  To this effect I have made quite sure to go out and buy new clothes that I know could not possibly fit me, should I ever become pregnant again.  If I am going to stay thin I might as well enjoy it,  right!  So I went shopping and was just about to buy the most expensive pair of jeans ever - until the sales man said "you look so hot in those - your husband won't be able to keep his hands off you" to which I replied " Husband? - I'll take two."

On the weaning front, we had our first night of screaming.  First ever.  I decided that I would let Sage  fall asleep at the breast but further feeds would have to be from the bottle, as apparently these feeds are the most detrimental to the cycle.  She sounded as though her world had ended and completely refused the bottle, batting it away with her hand and screaming NO.  She finally fell asleep crying. I was determined not to give in and produce my tit, as it is my strong belief that this will only encourage her to learn to be stubborn (and let's face it she wouldn't even accept the perfectly good goats milk she is happy to drink at other times).  I won, but neither of us slept too well.

When I recounted all of this to my mother, suggested that I explain to Sage why I won't let her feed.  To my surprise Sage seemed to understand somewhat, and even came to me with a picture on my iPhone of me with a very pregnant tommy.  The next night there was only a little bit of complaining but when I reminded her "Mama wants a baby so Sage has to help mama and drink from the bottle" We both got back to sleep within a matter of minutes.  Who would have thought that at 17.5 months she could understand something like that, I am so proud of her.

TOO much sharing? I don't know if it was the no feeding during the night - the acupuncture
- but I seem to have the most female mucus EVER,  Such a pity I have decided to leave this cycle fallow - but my ovulation will just be too late in the cycle, day 20.

Oh no, where's my AMH all gone!

I went to my internist to get my thyroid checked because I have lost so much weight.  The results have come back normal - so no answers there.  Perhaps after all I have been eating less because of my teeth situation (two pulled out, finally out of pain after 4 months, but I can still only eat on one side.  Waiting for partial, which keeps getting delayed - they screwed it up last time, and it got lost in the queue for today's dentist visit).

I also plucked up the courage to ask my internist to have my AMH tested.  I just wasn't prepared to get the news before now, so in actual fact I never asked that Dr Uncommunicative test me - and she never suggests anything on her own!

When I got pregnant with Sage I had 0.52.  Since it has been exactly 2 years since I got pregnant - I looked up average loss per year which is supposed to be about 0.1.  I was bracing myself for something low.  What I got is  0.16.

I suppose it's good to know what's what, depressing as it is.  Now I really do have to start weaning.  Not just talking about it - Actually weaning her.  (I can't start taking any drugs until I do).  The problem is that my life has been so extremely stressful recently, and breast feeding her is just the easiest for me.  I also remember when I tried to wean her at 5 weeks (due to mastitis) how extremely depressed I became.

I have had So many huge things going on at the same time - an article was published about me in a national newspaper about my having been sexually abused as a teenager - continual teeth issues (pain annoyance & surgery, I have been going back and forth on a house I might be moving in to, and accompanying financial worries, tax problems, issues at work, new nanny, sleep problems, and the fact I have to home cook every single thing I eat because of allergies (which keep me awake at night if I am not careful).  I could go on.  I know everyone has a life - that is not easy, but mine seems to have been just too full and too difficult since getting pregnant with Sage.

But I am just Determined to have another baby, because it's something that can't wait until I'm 50!  Stale eggs or fresh eggs.  I just have to get on a schedule, and put my name down for IVF or fresh eggs at a proper clinic, with a real doctor (before I run out of sage's magic seed!)

I firmly believe that it will just be hard for a couple more years, then the rest will be So much easier.  Already I just LOVE having Sage So SO much.  If there is anyone out there who is reading this and thinking  "do i really want a child"  my answer is "YES" my child is everything and more than I had ever imagined a child could be.  "Pushing the pram" is just such fun!

Planting the seed

I finally got to plant my Magic Seed in April.  I nearly missed my fertile window. Luckily I insisted that Doc Uncommunicative inseminate me even though she thought it was the wrong day.  Most clinics rely on OPK's for signs of imminent ovulation, mine chooses a progesterone test.  Quite a number of RE's have told me point blank "progesterone is no measure of ovulation" and I would add to this "ESPECIALLY when the mother is still BREASTFEEDING." I was proved right when I suggested I go in for the progesterone tests the days following the insemination "in case we need to do another insemination" so we could collect data for any following cycles.  Fortunately the day after the "planting" my progesterone had skyrocketed proving that had we waited, we would have been Way Too Late!

Fortunately I could feel that conception had most definitely taken place.  An unusual sizzle in the tits, incredible tiredness with extremely deep sleep and extraordinarily vivid dreams for the first time since  my pregnancy with Sage.  Upon awakening my muscles ached in my fingers (not  such a great sign or things to come!).  A certain enlargement / widening  of my uterus, mysterious pains in the feminine area, and I could go on and on.

I was So happy and excited to be pregnant again, and although I felt tired I also felt extremely Well and Happy.  I couldn't believe that at 42 I could get pregnant so easily!  Then I started testing, and at day 10 finally got my BFP on a very sensitive test.  I was elated.  That is until that is I got my period full force the very next day!

Nearly the exact same thing happened for my May cycle too, except I knew at 5days PO that something had gone wrong....

Now something definitely has to change.  I went to see my general practitioner yesterday whom I greatly trust.   I also have two  unusual problems:  My tongue looks terrible (an acupuncturist would be horrified - hardly any coating and blotches all over) and also,  I keep losing weight despite the vast amounts of chocolate moose and ice cream I keep eating.  I have never been skinnier as an adult (and I am loving it!).  Not surprisingly I am reluctant to have this problem fixed too soon -for obvious reasons - but at the same time I can't help thinking something must not be quite right.

She is running various tests - thyroid etc and told me I have to stop the breast feeding because there is no way of knowing what the prolactin might be doing to prevent me being pregnant.  She also said if I don't manage to get pregnant soon, I will never forgive myself, for not going all out.  I know she is right.  I also don't want to waste the remaining  Magic seed from Sage's donor, because I cant buy any more.

Time to wean, and off to the health food store!

No 2

In December I went to visit my RE about trying for baby No 2.  Since I am still Bfeeding and having monthly cycles she said we could try an unmedicated IUI right away.  However in January when the time came for planting the Magic seed - they sent me for  progesterone test, and told me I was not ovulating despite my LH smiley face.  It seems that they did not realize that breast feeding would affect my progesterone levels! So the moment was missed!

Feb cycle, I went in all excited - until I realized I had been feeling pains in my L ovary for way too long, so requested an ultrasound.  Good news was that there was no cyst, and no evidence of a uterine polyp.  However  at  day 10 my endometrial lining was at only 3 mm, so this cycle too was cancelled.

I just got back from the dentist to find that I have to have another tooth extracted and dental implant (For those of you who don't know me, I am not in my 70's although I may feel like it sometimes).   I will probably only be able to get this done after my vacation - and I can't imagine that would be good to do during conception - So I guess I have to wait till April for my next IUI.

Hopefully I will have been able to wean Sage a little more by then - which might improve my endometrial lining - (as will, not having to fight off my infected tooth).  I am so resisting weaning her. It makes me so sad to think she won't be able to feed from me.  Its just that I had such a hard time fighting with bouts of mastitis, now that all is easy (I went gluten free) I want to be able to comfort her when she wakes in the night.

I can't stand the thought (worry) of not being able to get pregnant again in addition to stopping feeding her before she is ready.  She does love food - its just that as she insists on feeding herself and very little actually goes down!

On the positive side I suppose I have to concentrate on the thought of being pain free - but do any of you have thoughts about using cadaver bone for my dental implant?  It totally freaks me out.

Nearly a year

It has been nearly a year since Sage was born.  A Crazy year - the most difficult of my life, but good.  I am writing this post with toothache.  Things really turned around for us after two important happenings.    Firstly I had an infected tooth pulled.  I got out of the dentists chair - and immediately felt much better, sort of more myself (it began the end of the post partem issues).  Secondly I managed to hire the Most wonderful au pair.  This enabled me to get back to work, and also let me have some help in the house and Sage really took off developmentally soon after her arrival.
Shortly before I took Sage away from the daycare I had heard the owner singing a little song to her in which every other line went something like "Silly Silly Silly Sage". The owner told me proudly "That's the special song I have been singing to Sage since the day she arrived".  My heart sank!
But the great news is that the year has been so rewarding.  I never understood what people say about it all going so fast, but it does.  It goes so fast, that I feel I want to do it all over again.  Sage is practically walking already.  She wants to eat everything I eat, and loves going out and meeting new people.  My life is just the same as it ever was,  Just Lots better, busier and more fulfilled.  And I want another one... I just can't curb my hunger!