The most difficult weeks of my life.

(This post was written 3 weeks ago).  It has been 7 weeks since Sage was born.  Seven of the darkest most difficult weeks of my life.  Don't get me wrong, Sage is simply the best thing ever to have happened - to have arrived in my life, but I never thought I would be taxed and tested in ways like this.

After Sage flew out of me in the hospital, I was in shock - immense, engrossing, fulfilling happiness, and shock.  Shock that she had arrived so easily, that she was so beautiful, that I loved her so intensely, shocked that she was So perfect.  I could not believe my good fortune.  While Sage slept I stared at her in awe and gratitude.

While Sage slept, endless nurses and tecks came to visit, a whole whirlwind of life I could have done without seemed to envelop me.  Firstly I found I could not pee - and spent hours trying to - only just avoiding being catheterized.  I won't mention either the stool softener which seemed to make my anus as tight as a ball of fire!

Then there was the argument which seemed to involve half the hospital staff (I exaggerate of course) but it did include the hospital administrator - because I had declined a number of the routine procedures for baby (such as erithromiacin in the eyes - and the hep B vaccine etc).  At one point they decided they would go ahead without my consent - until that is - my hard headed doula spoke up for me.  She reminded them that I had all my paperwork in order - and of course they could go ahead against my wishes, but that there would naturally be legal consequences!  It was then that I realized why it had been the right thing to hire her.

Breastfeeding did not come easily.  A nurse told me she had the perfect latch.  When Sage came off the nipple I had two big blisters - that are still evident today.  Eventually someone suggested I use a pump.  This was when I met the lovely nurse who looked to be about 8 months pregnant - with a baby which she later told me was to be born dead.  I heard her whole story - I felt so guilty to have such a perfect baby, and know that hers would not make it.

Between stuffing down vast quantities of the absolutely fabulous food they served at my hospital, and staring at my baby, I realized it was nearly time to be discharged and I had still not slept.  In fact I didn't sleep for 5 more days.  It took a trip to the emergency room, where I was badly treated, because for some reason they thought I was a suicide case - or that I might have harmed the baby.  I was not allowed to use the bathroom - or drink any water.  People treated me like I was crazy - In fact I was.  By the time I was discharged I was so dehydrated and tired I couldn't recognize my friend who had come to pick me up - or give directions to my house - which is only a matter of minutes away.

Later we found out I had a severe case of thrush - baby too.  Somehow everything seemed to go wrong.  I got home and had to call people out for the washing machine, garbage disposal, replace the boiler, car etc.  The lovely colleague who was staying with me to help - who I have known for years , and absolutely love - turned out to have what I could only describe as early stage alzheimers.  She was No help at all.

Suddenly because of the thrush, I lost my taste - nothing tasted good.  It was three prescriptions before they managed to give me the right drug.  My nipples were So painful - and it was days before someone  suggested I could have a bra to hold the milking apparatus.

Later I would have to battle through more insomnia, and resultant confusion, psychosis, paranoia - and we won't forget a horrendous week of mastitis.  I will make a special post about mastitis later.  As I am writing this now I realize I don't want to remember how awful things were.  And sadly I actually don't remember a lot of the wonderful and amazing people who came to visit me and deliver tremendous kindness and gorgeous gifts during this time.  I think I should wait till a time this nightmare is further away - in a past that can never come back to remember to recount exactly what happened.

Introducing; Sage, Alice: born Christmas Eve

They say that if it's hard to get pregnant, and the pregnancy is tough - then the birth should be real easy! So I figured that in my case, Baby should literally Fly out of me - and that is strangely exactly how it happened.

My due date was somewhat before Christmas - but to make things easy (I mean who is really going to care what date she is due) I boldly informed all who asked that she was due on Christmas Eve.  And it seems that little ears were listening to me, as this was exactly the day she chose to be born.

For months I had been having tons of Braxton hicks - some extremely painful - especially when I had by accident eaten foods containing MSG.  But I was out to supper a few days before the birth and noticed a VERY SLIGHT pressure in my back (about the only place Not to have caused me trouble during the pregnancy!

I went swimming the next day - and found some relief.  That Night I felt one VERY odd and different feeling Braxton Hicks.  I immediately retired to my whirlpool, and forgot about it!

On getting out of the tub - I had another odd feeling Braxton hicks - followed by another 3 min later.  Things continued like this for the next few hours, and I slowly came to the I realization that these were probably that my contractions.  They were only 20 - 40 seconds long and were consistently from the beginning about 3 minutes apart.  At some point I decided to call the doula because I was in tons of pain.  I had decided to have her drive me right away to the hospital.  Her response was "Mam your going to have to learn to just deal with the pain because things are going to get a lot worse. You will have a long day and night ahead of you and you will need all your strength.  Your contractions will lengthen and intensify - if you can't deal with it now I really don't know what to suggest"  I could have killed her!

I asked her to come to the house.  When she arrived she suggested a few positions to lie in that seemed to help me get some relaxation between the contractions - like on my side with top leg bent.  I wished I had asked her to come sooner - Until that is, I requested her take me to the hospital (because I knew at this point I was desperate for an epidural - and there would be No possibility of having it while I was still at home.  It was at this point she had the BRIGHT idea that I try to write some thank you cards or that I take a shower.  I could have killed her AGAIN.

She then informed me that I could be no more that 3 centimeters dilated - and the hospital might even send me home.  I insisted we go - and finally she drove me there.  (I was convinced that I would shit in her car - I did't say anything - but secretly thought it would serve her right if i did!).  Sadly I kept that little number for later!

While she parked the car I informed the hospital that instead of the natural childbirth room - I wanted a room with ALL the latest gismos AND EPIDURAL.  When the doula heard what I had done she had a small fit and said "think of all the money you paid me - and now your asking for an epidural"  I said "yes because NOW I want it"

I let them check my cervix, and to everyone's surprise - except for mine - despite very short contractions I was 7.5 centimeters dilated - from this point forward - with the acknowledgment that something really was happening - and my mother prescribing me a homeopathic remedy (over the phone from England) the pain seemed much more bare able.  No-one mentioned an epidural.  I saw them get the baby nurse and table ready - so i figured that something might be going to happen.  I dared not think what!

For a quite some time I was scared to push - because I felt like I would do a Shit all over everyone - until the midwife told me "actually having a baby does feel rather like you are doing a big shit - Don't worry I promise you you won't do a shit - just push it out." She was lying of course, but this encouraged me somewhat and I started to push.

Not long after, the doula started calling out to my baby "Sage Sage come on out".  I remember yelling back at her "how dare you encourage her to come any quicker - this is as fast as i want to go - I don't want to go ANY Faster".

Every now and again the nurse would tell me how well I was doing - I was really surprised and pleased by this - as the doula did not seem able to say One encouraging word!

With one big push my water broke - in fact it exploded all over the nurse,  midwife and doula - I was secretly delighted that I stained the doula's white sweater.  Contrary to what I had heard, the pain was no worse now.  Another few pushes and I felt the baby tear me.  Again the pain was bad, but it had already reached the maximum intensity beyond which it did not pass.

Before I knew it, baby was out - the cord wrapped around her head.  I had always joked with my friends - that my baby was a wimp because she didn't move much - well now we find out why - because the cord was so short.

From the moment I saw her with all her hair - I was in complete shock and disbelief.  It was the biggest shock of my life - I couldn't believe that she had actually come out of me.  She looked up at me, and I was in heaven.  Apparently I kept saying "I just thought I was just doing a really Big Shit" Over and Over.

Then I remembered what had been my secret fear all along - about giving birth.  A long time ago I had dated a hot dude - which a HUGE "little man".  In fact he was So Huge - that really his um, Hmm "little man" was too big for me to use.  Of course I realized that He must have been much smaller that a babies' head - so I was worried that if I couldn't HMM HMM - I would"t be able to push the baby out!

Of course I decided to share this little story with everyone in the room, baby on my stomach - after announcing Again how I thought I really was just doing a Huge Shit and had No Idea I was having baby- I thing Everyone, including the midwife And DOULA and baby nurse and tech, burst into laughter.

To be continued...

Getting ready to pop the bun out of the oven - 37 and a half weeks!

I can't believe I've made it this far.  Still throwing up regularly and somehow still managing to make it into work.  But the good news is that luckily I have my lightest work schedule now for the whole year.  And I am determined that Baby is Not going to arrive before I have gotten through all my paperwork and my tax file is to hand in, (oh yes - and bought ((and set up)) a new computer, as mine is on it's very last legs). I am thinking with my lack of organization this will take us nearly to my due date!

One of the good things about being pregnant is that people at work who ordinarily would never have talked to me - have gone out of their way to be extra nice - and that has made my life a whole lot more pleasant! ((Many of these have been older men - and other young mums)).

Without doubt, one of the biggest wastes of my time during this pregnancy has been visiting the doctors / midwife's offices every other second for seemingly unnecessary measurements of my stomach and baby heart rate.  They have done absolutely nothing for me except tell me that my stomach has gotten bigger (or has failed to - and tried to worry me) and tell me how normal it is to feel crap during pregnancy.  They have not offered any helpful advice or been in the least bit supportive ((which one would think would be the least they could do)).  All they have ever said is things like "well pregnancy does take it's toll on the body." Perhaps they disapprove of my SMC status?

My doula came over last week and wanted me to talk about ALL my fears of childbirth - which was a trifle annoying.  She seemed very put out to find that I don't have any fears - my reasoning is that I live in a first world country with excellent insurance - and one way or the other this baby Will Come Out! And If I get scared during child birth fine - but I don't need to start worrying about it ahead of time - as I Just have too much else going on.  And when she said she wanted to come over again to continue the conversation - and I am afraid I told her I didn't think we needed it! ((At least I won't have to worry that she will be in a rush while I am trying to give birth)).

One of the nicest things to happen recently, was that my neighborhood put on a special baby shower for me.  I was SO deeply touched - and all of the people on my doggy walking route turned out and brought me the Most Lovely Gifts (except for "bitchy doggy friend" who fortunately couldn't make it!).  They even had the most gorgeous Diaper cake.  It really was a Very Special Evening. And it certainly made up for one of my half sisters telling me I had to "not expect any sympathy from anyone (on still throwing up) - and learn to be a strong single mother".

It seems though that sleeping is always a challenge - I wake up every two to three hours to pee.  I have now put my bed on the floor - in case I decide to have baby sleep with me (less far for her to fall - and easier for her to have tommy time - on non toxic yoga mat between bed and wall).   But the Great News Is  - I remind myself to rejoice about - NO hemorrhoids!  Yeah - something to be proud of! ((Or perhaps I should say no New hemorrhoids hmm - thank God this is an anonymous blog!!!).   But my legs have started to swell - and ache dreadfully.  ((The doc had the bright idea that my legs might hurt Because I swim too much)).  Of course I then had to explain to him that they hurt Less, When I swim, and it helps relieve some of the water retention!

I'm sorry I haven't been in the best mood for this post - but wanted to write Something, Before the big Day (hope it happens in one,) Arrives!

Finding baby help - I'm so happy

As soon as I had gotten pregnant I booked my doula - and another very well recommended Post Partum Doula.  I guess I was scared of being stuck with a screaming baby all by myself over the Christmas and New Years holidays.  Of course nothing goes as planned, so I was not surprised that the post partum doula called me recently to drop out.  I was a little annoyed but understood completely.   She wanted to help another family (instead of me) where the mother is desperately ill.

I posted a job description - for some baby help - though to be honest I was not really sure what to ask for - Do I need a super qualified nanny - a cheff - a chauffeur or just someone to offer some basic friendly support.  I had quite a ton of replies.  Most of them completely unsuitable - It didn't take more than a second to see that most of the people were far from my cup of tea!

Then I was recommended to another post partum doula - I met with her, and instantaneously knew that I would be happy to pay her NOT To come Anywhere Near my house.  She lectured me on child rearing, instructed me how I was supposed to do this and that - and then proceeded to inform me on how she was planning to be debt free by May and so really needed to work for me - It was as much as I could do to tell her I was feeling sick and must get home - but I couldn't get her to stop talking!  After this meeting I was a little hesitant to call back any of the candidates who replied to my job posting.

However today I plucked up the courage to start interviewing - I haven't been or felt sick for a whole three days - and found the energy to call and meet the most lovely girl.  I liked her immediately - and she is available to help me at weekends.  She said "I will do anything  you want me to - especially if you show me how you want it done."  It seems that she is studying early childhood education, belongs to a lovely church, has experience with babies - is smart, and I really enjoyed her company.  I am so relieved - and extremely happy!

Now to find me someone who can help during the week! And an extra in case one of these drops out!

I didn't know I was pregnant! - NOT

I didn't know I was pregnant used to be my favorite TV show.  I always dreamed that perhaps somehow I would find out that mysteriously I was pregnant too.  But now that I am VERY pregnant at 32 weeks - I thought I should write a very few of the small ways that You May Notice You Are Pregnant. And how the show has got it All wrong.  Instead of making fun of these poor souls who drop babies in bathrooms - we should be studying them to find out how they managed to go through a whole pregnancy and give birth so easily!

This is how I noticed I am pregnant
1, My waist is over a foot larger than it used to be.
2, I wake up every few hours in the night to pee and drink more water
3, I throw up all the time
4, I am always tired
5, People who never used to talk to me at work - routinely ask after the baby
6, I pee my pants whenever I throw up,
7, Everybody smells bad - most especially myself,
8, I no longer enjoy eating chocolate
9, My mother calls three times a day to ask how I'm doing
10, I have to walk the dog mega slow - because otherwise I start having continual braxton Hicks
11, I have horrendous heart burn (very much eased by chewable papaya enzyme)
12, I lose my keys all the time and forget my appointments.
13, I haven't had the energy to pay any bills for a worrying amount of time
14, I can't fit through spaces I used to be able to at work
15, I no longer feel the need to flirt with geeky single men
16, I always used to be the first to pack up from work - now I am usually the last one there - having a "just in case" visit to the bathroom.
17, I spend far too long thinking up strategies to get my midwife to sign me out of work on disability.
18, I don't give a shxt about all the crap going on at work - I am just so relieved when I get to go home.
19, I have no interest in accumulating any more baby accessories!
20, I am often too tired to answer my phone, even when I really like the person calling.

If anyone can give me any tips for getting some time off work I would much appreciate it!

Embarrassing Moment

The stuff of nightmares and I ended up just fine!

Yesterday I got caught on the train (in england) in an automatic toilet - on the seat - throwing in the basin - and the automatic door Opened all by itself! (In full view of whole carriage).  I want to say that everyone sat  laughing and staring at my behind, and me stretched out making hideous noises into the sink - but thankfully most people were busy reading their papers and being so very English ! - And shortly there after I felt a Ton relieved - and a second later it was as though nothing had ever happened.

No one even gave me a second glance.  And I was just So grateful that I got everything contained in a suitable place!

Oh the joys of being pregnant!

21 and a half weeks

One of the first things I did when finding out that my due date was practically christmas day, was to immediately book a Doula.  Fortunately the very first one I met seemed perfect for the job: intelligent, confident, empathic and good at giving directions.

We had our second meeting at my house last week.  She asked me all kinds of questions like - Have you felt the baby move? - Do you talk to your baby? - Are you worried about the birth?  All of which I had to say No No No.  Truth be said I don't even feel in the slightest bit emotionally attached to my baby.  Apparently something to do with my placenta being against my stomach, makes it more difficult to feel her move - perhaps this has something to do with it.  I am hoping that in due course mother nature will kick in - but for right now - I can only hope that I am not too unusual in feeling No Emotional Attachment Whatsoever.  I keep joking with people if this doesn't change by the time the baby is a few weeks old - I can always sell her to the highest bidder on the internet.  Not sure though if this eases anyone's anxiety's other than my own!

The Doula is definitely very lovely and a bit crazy, but she also Overstayed her Welcome - just a tad.  I am sure it's good sign - after all I don't want her encouraging the C-section so she can get home for her  lunch!  (She explained to me how she would be having me brush my teeth every hour or so to bring on an endorphin rush - so I guess I will be coming home with a Baby and the cleanest teeth in the hospital!) I knew I was not feeling too good while she was at my house and a couple minutes after she left, I threw up all over my neighbors yard.  People passing / walking the dogs were awfully nice.  Fairly sure though if I saw someone throwing, I would be tempted to keep more distance!

One of the best things about finding out I am having a Girl, was that I got the news just 3 days before the Largest thrift sale that I could ever had IMAGINED.  Everything was So cheap - I felt like a millionaire!  I may not be emotionally attached to Baby - but I sure am materialistically attached!  I bought a TON of clothes - it took hours!  In fact baby probably now has as big a wardrobe as I do - only she hasn't even been born yet - We have at least enough clothes, toys, blankets and gadgets to get us through the whole first year.  All of them for cents on the dollar.  Its embarrassing - but I actually counted  and I had brought home clothes that hung on 80 hangers!!!!!!!!!!!  and many of these had two or more pieces!

I know that many people feel its tempting fate to buy baby items before Baby is better cooked - but I figured that if they only have this sale twice a year - the next time it comes - I will either be in the hospital delivering - or home with a brand new baby - and not able to tolerate the stress of shopping (and hunting out the bargain - before the next person gets to it).

Of course this has led me to spend hours considering what I would do if something goes wrong with this baby.  Because everyone I know,  KNOWS about my "little project" and I am realizing that one can't count on anything in this world going as one would like it to.  If this baby doesn't make it I could either keep all the stuff and hope that I get pregnant again - and that the next Baby is a girl - or give it away to charity.  Just for the record, I spent 368 dollars - but I literally have EVERYTHING I could possibly need except for the car seat and a breast pump.  I wasn't sure how hygienic it would be to use someone else's!

I am spending the next few days getting ready for another trip to visit The Mother.  I have the feeling it is going to be a Long Visit.  She has already told me I am supposed to be doeing 50 kegel exercises at a quarter past every hour, and that I am Not Allowed to sit on any sofa or soft chair - in case it makes the baby breach - and that I should be doing proper breathing exercises!  Hmmm.  What was I thinking!